My Son

The boy at the top of my blog is my son, of course. My only child who had brought me joy and tears but mostly happiness. The tears are simply when we have to say good-bye again and he heads back to Atlanna or I head back to North Jersey. We plan to leave NJ within the next three years and move south, where I am much more content and where I can be near my son and his wife who I car about a great deal.

They've been here since late Christmas Eve and are leaving today. Not my favorite thing to think about. We've had some busy and great times together. Christmas Day was spent at home, of course. He loved the gift I gave him for which I am glad. I had a wonderful time buying his wife things as this was the first year they were married and the first year they were spending Christmas with us. They gave me an IPod and then taught me how to use it. I've enjoyed sitting in my chair listening to Chris Isaak go directly into my brain and singing along with him.

On Boxing Day we went into Manhattan, taking the ferry we always take and going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, a restaurant called Mesa Grill (Bobby Flay's), and then into the crowds to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. We also went into St. Patrick's Cathedral which was a bit overwhelming even though I'm not Catholic. I lit two candles while I was there and welled up with tears and emotion. God does exist.

Yesterday we went to the Garden State Plaza and wandered through it. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to sit and let them wander on their own since my knee was killing me after a day in the city. Lunch at Legal Seafood and then a quick stop at IKEA to find me a new chair for the computer where my laptop is. Success! And it's orange!!!! Football when we got home - Florida State (my son's school) versus Wisconsin and FSU won! YAY!

I was ready to sleep by 9 o'clock. Got up at 3:30 this morning and slept for a couple hours on the recliner where I dreamed interestingly weird dreams. And now it's their last day here. Their plane leaves at 3:20 this afternoon. Always hate it when we say our good-byes and don't know exactly when we'll see each other again. But I know we will find a time and date pretty soon.

I am surrounded by love. I am so lucky. . .

Sunday Sun

The sun came out today after a number of hours of snow. I have lost the brush/scraper for my car and have to get it cleaned off tomorrow so I can run a few last errands before Christmas Eve. I figure if I can get enough of it scraped off, I can go to the car wash down the street and drive through and let that take the rest of it off. I hope they're open.

I'm feeling anxiety this evening. All this medicine that I'm on and lately I feel it every now and then and at about this time of day (between 4 and 5). I don't get it. I take deep breaths though, read a book, come online, and it usually goes away. I don't need this and I especially don't need it with everything that I'm taking. I take six or eight pills for this crap. It's just not fair.

The cleaning man called to confirm he will be here tomorrow at 9 am. I am pleased. I haven't used him before and didn't get his name from someone who has. Found his card at my hair dresser's and figured I'd give him a try. Just want things to sparkle a bit for the kids when they get here. And for us, I guess. :o)

Okay, send prayers, strength, wise words for my anxiety which isn't overwhelming but which I don't want to let it get to that point.

Snow - 20 degrees

Our first real snow arrived yesterday morning. I was at work and we all stayed for awhile but then the roads started to look dangerous since plowing in Paterson is rare so we began leaving. The school finally shut down at one o'clock. Driving home just took patience. Russell's normal 40 minute drive took him 2 hours, but he made it only to have to return this morning for some overtime that was necessary.

We have G today. Have no idea what we're going to do with him since it's not the kind of day that you get in the car and just go places for no real reason. But maybe we will. We'll see.

P & K will be here Wednesday. It's calling for rain which is an improvement over the "wintry mix" predicted before. I hope it's a day that they can land in Newark safely.

That's all for now. . .

Dull

I think it's time to end this Blog and maybe write in my journal again. My blog is boring as all get out. Only two people ever read it and when I read their blogs they're much more interesting. I'm just dull, dull, dull. And there's nothing wrong with that. When my life was full of excitement it was horrible for me. Things were happening that I'd never want you or anyone else to experience. So boring is good. Exciting is only good if it's positive.

And that's the way life is. :o)

The Weather

Yesterday I called my son in Atlanta and asked him what the temperature was down there. It was 55 degrees. It was 70 degrees here in New Jersey. A bit wet and very cloudy and overcast but warm. I think I've gotten used to the feeling of in between temperatures (50-70 degrees). When I lived in Florida and it was 50 degrees we were freezing. Here, when it's 50 degrees I might wear a light jacket. Or not.

Today the high here didn't even get into the 50s - or just briefly. The westerly wind whipped through all day long, making it feel even colder. I wore a light jacket and a scarf over a regular shirt. Am I crazy?

I'm 99% sure I'm going to join the YMCA in a local town. They have two pools, a fitness center which is full of great equipment, and a friendly staff. I wish it were nearer but I know I need this and the pools are calling my name. I'll keep you posted.

Water, Water Everywhere

The water where I live has a high level of calcium and leaves behind a white colour. I use a spray on cleaner that works beautifully for that but lately the water has left an orangey colour of something. So today I called the water department in my borough (yes, I live in a borough) and a water man is coming over right NOW. Isn't that amazing?

I wish I'd saved my last shower curtain liner to show him. It was disgusting.

Okay, other than that my day has been pretty good. A physical at 8:30 and except for the blood work being done, I got a good report. Of course I need to lose weight but I have a woman doctor who understands life and doesn't talk "down" to women. She's lovely. I'm going to check the YMCA in a nearby town and see if I can swim there. I miss swimming and that would be excellent exercise for me.

Went onto the shrink's office and saw the psychiatric nurse and the psychiatrist who were more than pleased with my change in personality from my new meds. It's wonderful. We are going to wean me off one of the older ones (seroquel).

Tomorrow is Russell's birthday. :o) I bought him some candy, a new pillow, and an LSU pen. He'll love it all.

And life goes on.

A Poem - 2-22-2000

So many days have passed since I saw you last,

driving away from me,

the sun so bright and

the wind so cold against my face.

I felt the sting of tears;

pulled back the sobs I knew would come later;

still able to feel where your arms had held me

just moments before.

I watched you disappear from me--

Perhaps forever.

Each day without you has a certain quality to it.

A new emotion one day.

A new understanding on another.

A sliver of hope, a promise of something good.

And some days

only a new set of tears.

jhb

For every season

This has been the most incredibly beautiful fall I've ever lived through - at least that I can remember. The colours of the leaves are so intense and the past few days the leaves have been falling from the trees like snow falling from the sky. Today it's finally sunny and even though the overcast skies and rain will return by the end of the week, I am totally enjoying the weather today. It's a "Sun"day from A to Z.

I sent out one of those Friends questionaires that you get every now and then from someone. I got three back and one of them was from my friend Judy who I got back in touch with on her birthday last month. It was quite touching and very interesting to learn a little more about her. It's been 45 years since we've seen each other or spoken so it's a little awkward, I imagine, for her, but she seems pleased that I got back in touch with her. I hope we can see each other again. It was great reading her answers and seeing things that we had in common. :o)

Did some Christmas shopping this week-end and made some progress. I must sort through the things I have and determine if I have enough for Kristin. It's been quite fun buying things for hr this year.

Russell got up early but went back to bed and slept another hour. He's up again but not dressed yet. Don't know what we're going to do today but I'd like to do SOMETHING. Even if it's our old place - Jose' Tejas.

The anxiety medicine that I've been taking has helped tremendously. I am so pleased and pray it will continue to help me. It's almost a miracle.

And so, the beat goes on. :o)

Halloween Boo!

Work has been very slow this week. I got everything done that needed to be done but by Thursday I didn't have anything new to do. Maybe 30 minutes of real work each day. So I took in my crocheting and am finishing up a really pretty scarf.

My boss talked to be today about grey stamps. How people secretly collect negative things that others do to them without addressing the issue at the time and then, when they're in public, they strike back at the person about those issues. I think I have a tendency to do that with some people. I guess we all do. It was interesting.

A quiet weekend. Just the two of us. LSU tomorrow. FSU too. Laundry and reading and relaxing. Works well for me.

Anxiety is still in abeyance. :o) :o) Did I use that word right? JoAnn, let me know. Thanks!

Monday, Monday

And so I woke up and felt fine. No roiling. No fear. No "oh, no!" feelings. And it's Monday. I'm pleased. Happy even. Part of having anxiety is getting anxious thinking you might have an attack. I don't have panic attacks. Panic attacks are probably more dramatic but last much less time - maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Not that it's "okay" since it's shorter, but what I have stays with me all day long until late in the day, right before bedtime. Then it starts again when I get up in the morning. Not as dramatic but just as upsetting, I'm sure.

I dreamed about odd things last night. Funny how you can remember a dream and then 30 seconds later it's faded away to almost nothing.

Sunday Evening

Are Sundays when anxiety begins? I was so good this week-end compared to what I'd been and then after we got home from doing a few things I started to feel the anxiety in my belly again and don't really know what to do. I've taken my meds religiously, and I've been positive and felt loved and loved in return to the people who I've seen. But now I'm thinking it's going to return in the morning and I don't know if I can stand it. I've even been eating normally this week-end. Not as much, maybe, but eating without forcing myself.

What the fuck is this? Why does it come on Sundays? Because I'm going back to work tomorrow? Is it Paterson? Is it the college? Is it the people I work with? This week is a regular type of week. No make-up time, no testing, no presentations. Just routine stuff in the office.

Weather is nice today too. I was on the loveseat and lying in the sun that came in through the window and it felt lovely. I was hoping that would make me feel more relaxed. Maybe it did. I want to be ME. Just me.

I have no idea why there's a picture of a cat with dynamite on it. I am trying to learn how to use a blog better and can't get rid of that. Sorry.

A Windy Fall Saturday

Very windy and rainy this afternoon. The leaves are flying through the air and sometimes I think they're birds passing by our front window. I'm feeling a bit more like me. The medicine seems to be doing its job and I pray it continues. I can't stand the anxious feelings I've been having and when I have them to the degree I had them this week and four weeks ago it makes me want run away from NJ. But I want to take my dear sweet husband with me.

Sometimes I think maybe we can go after we sell Spence's house. Or maybe we can go a year earlier - a compromise. To go there and still work is fine with me but everyone knows that getting a job now is not going to be as easy as it was when I came up here. Still, it's something to think about.

We had Greg today but then he had to go home early to work on a project with another kid so we had him home at 2 o'clock and have been watching college football since. A nice quiet afternoon. We did convince him to get his hair cut when we went to the mall today though. A major improvement. It was even clean!

Trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow. Movie? Mall? Jose' Tejas? We had Sbarro's today since we were at the mall and that was a pleasant change even though Italian is not my favorite. But we did okay.

Rambling - more like who I am. :o)

and life goes on. . .

Wednesday morning

the same today. Why?

Tears

I cried today. While I was talking to my boss on the phone when I called her to tell her I'm going to stay home tomorrow and go to the doctor but I will be at the open house for my major program tomorrow evening.

I haven't cried in a long time. Maybe it will help.

I talked to Susan today and Caroline. I don't know how to spell Caroline's name tonight. Is it Carolyn or Caroline? I hate it when that happens. I think I'm just tired. Anyway, they both were helpful.

I talked to some people in my chatroom too. I've gotten to know some of them and only about three or four of us were there and they were very helpful and listened well. Especially WildCIA who has experienced this too. As have Caroline and Susan.

Russell and I have a 3rd anniversary on Thursday. Three years. He wants to go out to Outback. If we do I think I'll only eat a salad and a baked potato.

That's all I have to say for now. I hope and pray I'm better tomorrow.

Mysterious

Anxiety attacks are mysterious to me. I've had a beautiful week-end and then, yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little bit uneasy. And this morning was hell. There was no reason for it at all. I take my meds and feel a little better but not wonderful. Not "normal."

This afternoon at work after I took my meds I sat at my computer and dozed. It felt good to be able to close my eyes and not be interrupted by the telephone. I'd open my eyes now and then and see if any mail had arrived on my work email and respond to it if it had. But I think I only got one thing for the last hour and a half.

I'm home now, but I have to give a survey up at Wanaque later on. Russell is going with me for which I am thankful.

But back to the anxiety. It seeps out of me and takes control of my life. I want it go away, to disappear forever, but it doesn't. It just stays with me. I have brain farts and have memories from the past invade my life. Not bad memories just old ones. Nothing significant either. Something from when I was fourteen, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-eight, thirty-five, and so on. Memories of driving down streets in Vero on my way to and from work at the prison. Memories of feelings that I had when I was with my first husband. Memories of times with Patrick.

So tiring. I want it to go away so much. So very much.

Money

I wonder what will happen when I don't have any money to do with what I want. If I just have enough to pay my bills and buy what I need, not what I want or think I want. I know there are times when I could just bypass buying things. Oh, well. In time, in time.

And so it's another beautiful day here. Another Jose' Tejas lunch. Now we're home, doing nothing, doing something. Anxiety lingers nearby but I'm doing my best to keep it far away. Back to work tomorrow. Nothing special going on at work except tomorrow evening. But I'll survive.

I swear I will. I pray I will.

An Autumn Saturday

Today was probably the most beautiful autumn day we'll see. The leaves seem to be at their peak and it was only in the 50s today with a beautiful bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine. The breeze was light but still brought some leaves drift down from trees and blow across where we were walking.

Russell and I went to an Arts and Crafts show in Montclair. We met Nina and her daughter there and had a lovely morning walking through, looking at things and even buying a few Christmas presents. I bought some things for Kristin and bought myself yet another bowl from a potter we see often and enjoy visiting with. Nina bought herself a hat which looked wonderful on her. Not the kind of hat I could wear but I definitely admired it on her.

We met Linda and her two kids at Jose' Tejas after the Art show. Had a nice, relaxing lunch. I like days like this. We talked and laughed and relaxed. And now Russell and I are home, waiting for 8 o'clock and the LSU-South Carolina football game.

A bit of anxiety invaded my space this evening. Nothing serious, I don't think. I'm not minding work right now even though I've had to work some make-up time recently. But I am striving not to let it overcome me. I'm basically content right now. Yesterday I talked to Hotch since I always call him on his birthday. The day before that I got back in touch with a friend from South Bend on her birthday. Talking to old friends, new friends, family, and being with Russell helps a lot.

And the beat goes on. . .

Do I Still Like Seasons?

We drove up to Riverdale, a small town where we go about once a week because they have a Walmart, a Target, Borders - places I enjoy visiting two or three times a month. The route is through small mountains which are covered with trees and I could tell a big difference in the colours on the trees between last Saturday and today. I saw other trees as I was driving up Route 208 that were bright orange; trees right next to others that were still green. I used to love autumn even though in Florida we didn't have much of a season change, of course. I loved the slight change, subtle but apparent if you knew what to look for. Here it's dramatic in comparison, and it will be more dramatic when the leaves start to fall and the trees I see across the street from my living room window will be barren within weeks.

Autumn means everything is dying? Or resting? Or changing in preparation for cold and snow and wind? I always thought I missed the seasons for the 40 years I lived in Florida. But now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I like any of the seasons. I know I don't like winter. Snow is beautiful as it falls but a mess within hours of it stopping. Cold air is not refreshing by any means. Spring should be wonderful, shouldn't it? And some of it is. I love the daffodils and the lilacs. I love seeing the leaves coming back onto the trees again. Summer has its richness but I get tired of hearing people around me complain about how hot it is.

So what do I like? Maybe I like subtle seasons better than what I'm experiencing here.

But those bright orange leaves are incredibly magical.

And life goes on. . .

Friday

Russell and I have a 3 day week-end ahead of us which gives both of us joy and relaxation. Monday is a holiday where he works. Not for me, but I took it off anyway, as I always do.

I had a nice birthday this week. Very relaxed and enjoyable. A couple minor disappointments but nothing that really matters. As years go by we have to adjust to that which is missing. We went out to eat and I chose where to go because it was next to a Borders. So after we ate we went there, of course, and I had a gift card from Chatty so I was able to get two CDs by EmmyLou Harris. But the funny thing is that I was looking at new books and found the new Ron Rash that I'd wanted. So I checked on my Kindle while in Borders and found out it was available and downloaded it right there in Borders. I love my Kindle. It's so amazing. It's not going to take the place of every book in the world, but that's okay.

Anxiety has taken a back seat. Maybe the medication is helping more and maybe my effort to walk more has added a positive side to it. I don't know. I know I am doing my best not to concentrate on how much I wish I weren't in NJ. I hope that continues to work until I can get the hell out of Dodge, as they say. :o)

And so my life is boring again (thank you, God) and I feel like me.

Forgetting the Past

I think there was a movie not long ago about a man or a man and woman who did something to forget all their horrible memories. To start fresh again. Sometimes I think I need that. I don't want to forget everything, of course. But sometimes I remember such stupid things and wonder if that causes some of this anxiety that stabs me in the back with no warning.

Last night I dreamed that I was dating Jerry Seinfeld (on the show). Elaine and George were in my dream too. The only problem was that Jerry wouldn't say he loved me and he and Elaine and George made plans to do things and go places and left me out. Then I tried to call him on my cell phone and my cell phone was screwed up and I couldn't call him. Then Tim showed up to fix my cell phone but he never got around to it. He said my phone was set up to only work in Florida and I saw the names of two Florida cities - only one that I remember right now - Wellington. I've never lived there or even gone there unless I was driving through from Palm Beach to Belle Glade, I don't think.

Dreams are so out of space sometimes.

Well, I'm at work and the anxiety is strong today. I took the higher dose of what was prescribed for me yesterday and we'll see how long it takes that to work - or if it will work for me. I pray it will.

10:00 am, etc.

It continues. I don't know what to say. R had to work this morning so I've been alone, but he should be home soon with his son in tow.

I wish I had a group of friends here. I have some at work but I don't see them outside of work. But that's okay because I'd rather be with Russell than to spend time with them and not him.

Overcast today but no rain. Yet.

Anxiety Sucks

I hate it so much. Hate this feeling I have in my tummy that makes me feel as though something is going to happen or that something has happened. It's like when something scares you but nothing has scared me that I can think of.

I had such a great time in Cape May. We met JoAnn, an online friend I've been talking to for over 8 years. She picked us up at the Cape May-Lewes Ferry on the Lewes, Delaware side and we drove around Lewes seeing things I'd never seen before. It was so easy meeting her and talking to her. We went to lunch and walked around for awhile before heading back to the ferry. JoAnn and I have a lot in common and a lot not in common so it's a good balance in my opinion.

The next couple of days were very windy and it was difficult to be on the beach with the sand blowing against me but I got some sun and then sat on the porch where we were staying and read and got more sun there. It was nice. No anxiety at all. Until yesterday, the day we left. I woke up feeling anxious. It wasn't too bad but today it's been with me all day, even with my meds. This sucks. Big time. I have no self-control to do whatever it is I need to do to make things feel calmer.

Back to work on Monday. Nothing bad awaiting me, but I don't want to go. What do I want to do? Go to see my son? Go to Florida? Quit my job? Sleep a lot? I may go to bed early tonight since Russell has to - he's going into work early tomorrow and has to leave at 3 a.m. so he'll be in bed very early tonight and I may just go then and read. Makes me feel safer, I think.

Sigh. And life goes on.

Tuesday

Better today. Maybe because I only had to work 1/2 a day and got to spend the rest of the day with my darling husband. A cold front is moving through. It got here earlier than predicted with a lot of rain, lightning, and thunder. I hope it's nice tomorrow as they've promised.

I'll see how tomorrow is. A day at a time.

Ack!

The anxiety returns without warning. Last week was good. Had a lovely week-end. Maybe I get anxious after having a good time and then everything turning back to the old routine of work? I don't have a clue. Things at work are all right. Russell and I are great. Is it just living here? Is that all it is? Will it go away if, no WHEN, I get the hell out of this god forsaken place? I'll have to wait months and months to find out.

I love it when my friends send me encouragement. I print their comments or their emails and put them on my bulletin board. I read them and pull strength from them.

I'm glad when Russell gets home from work (now he gets home after I do so I have to wait for him). It feels safer when he's near.

I want each day to be normal, regular. Whatever you want to call it. I don't want to wake up and feel this roiling in my stomach and then have these brain farts that I didn't have for over a week when we went to Florida and last week after we got home. Then, after about 4 or 5 days I started having them again but not as strong.

I don't want to say "life sucks" because it doesn't. But these anxiety spells do. Big time. And I wish I could find something to fix them forever. Send me your prayers, your thoughts, your beautiful words if you have any to share with me. I love them and need them.

:o/

Summer Fading

September is here even though it still feels like August. But it's September and that's okay. This past week-end, Labor Day week-end, we were in Florida at the wedding of one of my many nephews. We flew into Tampa on Friday and then drove over to St. Pete for the rehearsal dinner which was at the same place where we had lunch after my mother's funeral when all the nephews were there. It was wonderful to see my brother again since I saw him so briefly at Patrick's wedding last April. The rehearsal dinner was festive and I had grouper (which I absolutely love and can't get up here) and my sister Susan and her husband were there, of course. It was great. My sister Dianne didn't come to the wedding since it was so close to the opening of school and she would've had to do so much traveling to get there. We missed her but totally understood.

Russell and I stayed in Bradenton with Susan and Charlie. The rental car had a flat tire Saturday morning so I had to deal with that and then get a different car. Fortunately we had enough time but let me tell you something - it was HOT HOT HOT. Florida is always hot and humid and I know this but it was particularly hot because Hurricane Gustav was heading north, going past us and sending some of that hurricane heat and humidity our way. My hair got so huge with curls. I'd forgotten how curly it got. I hope I never see a picture of myself on that day.

The wedding was Saturday at one o'clock in St. Pete. Ryne and Elyse looked very happy and content with their special day. A small reception in the fellowship hall at the church. This was held at the church where my father served from 1963 to 1968. I loved living in St. Petersburg and miss it even 40 years later. Strange, huh?

Went back to Susan's and went out to eat. Sunday was very breezy with gusts of wind up to about 4o mph as Gustav went by. Susan and I sat outside by her pool and got some sun and read and talked. It was a lovely morning even though the sun wasn't out all the time with the clouds being pushed past constantly. I swam but didn't go underwater since I was still nursing an earache (still am, as a matter of fact). I miss swimming. Miss my pool in Vero. I feel so content in the water.

I had very little, if any, anxiety while we were there. Being in Florida? Swimming? Being with family? I don't know. I just know that there were none of those brain farts and no feelings of wanting to hide away. Maybe I need to visit my sister more often and see the beauty I left behind when I came to NJ? Driving over the Sunshine Skyway and seeing the beautiful bay, the pelicans, the dozens of people fishing. It was a wonderful feeling to see all of that again. I miss it a lot.

Something to think about, I guess.

And the beat goes on. . .

Prayers are welcome

Well, this is my fourth day of having an earache. I don't know if this is going to become a lot better before tomorrow when we head to Florida and I have some apprehension about flying with a swollen ear but I am going to Florida. End of sentence. End of verse. I'll just suffer if that's what I have to do. I probably need to go to an ear, nose and throat doctor but there just isn't time.

So pray for me. Our plane leaves at 1 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. I have two more antibiotics to take (one a day type) so maybe today will bring a dramatic change in the way the ear has been feeling.

I am packing. Should probably do a load of wash but just don't want to traipse down the steps to the basement and get it started. That's how lazy I've become. Honestly! I'm on flex time and vacation time and I've been sick the entire time I've been off this week. Bummer.

Here's a question for you - what do you think of Lindsey Lohan? Is she a good actor? Is she going to survive her addictions? Is she gay?

And the beat goes on. . .

One Thing I Need

The beach. I need to be in Florida by the beach. Don't even have to be tanning - just by the beach with the wind blowing through my hair, curling it around my face. I need to hear the waves and feel the water rushing over my feet. I need to feel my feet sinking into the sand with every wave that comes and goes. I need there to be sunshine while this is happening. I need to feel a sense of freedom from this anxiety. . .

Mornings

This is probably redundant but I'll say it anyway - Mornings are the worst for anxiety. I hope I'm reaching a peak and will start feeling a little better soon. Today is my last day of work until after Labor Day which is a nice feeling even though I don't have a lot of things on the agenda. I'll probably get a new pedicure. Maybe I can fit in some new highlights on my hair. And, of course, I'll have to pack but that's not until the day before we leave which is next Friday, August 29th.

That's all for now. . . maybe more later.

And the beat goes on. . .

More

More anxious and wishing I could go hide. But I'm still functional. Just don't want to do anything it seems. This same bloody thing happened a year ago at this same time. I'm planning to take off from work all next week for pleasure. We have a couple appointments - the surgeon for Russell to have his stitches taken out and the shrink for me. And I'm going to see if I can get some highlights added to just the front of my hair. So that's another appointment. And then, at the end of the week, we head to Florida. So I know I can do that and function well.

The medicine helps, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder how I would function without medicine. What if it were taken away or I stopped taking it by accident or because I wanted to see how I was without it. Well, let me tell you this - as I am now I will NOT stop the meds. I don't want to go into what I was before.

I had to work two hours extra today for make-up time. We have to make up 45 hours for the Fridays we have off during summer. We are assigned to someone to make up the time and today my assignment was to fold and staple flyers. Fun, huh? ::rolling my eyes:: So now I have 43 more hours to make up. Can you believe it?

And the beat goes on. . .

What ARE these?

I have been having those little attacks that take me to another place in my brain, leaving reality behind for a minute or less. They are so strange. I haven't had them like this for a long time but have been feeling a bit more anxious this week for some reason. Not sure why. There's no reason that I can figure out. Sigh. I read an article that said it might have something to do with "change of life" which I went through starting when I came to NJ. Menopause is not an overnight sort of thing so maybe that has something to do with these feelings as well as being in a place that doesn't seem to be the right place for me, as we all know.

When I have one of these attacks I can't talk about it. Sometimes Russell notices though. Interesting, huh? If they were consistent I'd probably worry more but since they come and go and don't get worse, I just deal with it and pray they will diminish soon. Maybe talking about them here will help.

Thanks for listening. . .and the beat goes on! :o)

Exhaustive Panic

Just about everyone I know could complain about Mondays. Most of us love our week-ends and love the way we feel when we can sleep until we wake up and then do what we want, for the most part. I know I do.

My week-end was good - busy but productive in its own way. Russell to the doctor on Friday; Greg on Saturday; Russell's niece's graduation/going away party on Sunday. And naps in between. I seem to like to nap these days more than ever before. I wonder if that's what causes panic sometimes - that I want to sleep and can't because I'm at work or driving or otherwise involved. Who knows!

The niece's party was interesting and weird but I had a good time. Russell's cousins who I've never met because they live near the shore were there and I felt right at home with them. Debbie and her husband Walt, Marcie, and Ricky. Also, Debbie and Walt's three children were there. It was interesting talking to them and being able to discuss Spencer, my late father-in-law who was a woman-hater. Debbie confirmed my suspicions that when Russell's mother died (he was 10 when this happened) that it changed Spencer because he didn't have a woman in his life who he respected or truly loved.

Anyway, I started feeling twinges of panic while we were at the party and then again this morning but I'm surviving. Feeling panic is tiring, I think. It makes you want to sleep so you can escape the panic as well feel refreshed. Since I'm at work, I can't do that.

Eleven days until we go to Florida for the nephew's wedding. Twelve days until LSU's first football game.

And the beat goes on. . .

Pay Day

I love pay days. Even though I know the money is coming in (and going out), I love seeing that amount added to my checking account (direct deposit, you know) and writing it into my register and adding it to my previous balance. It's rather comforting.

When I get paid I think about what I can buy or do. I think about how much I can save for our trips that are coming up the end of August and another the end of September. It's a nice feeling to know I don't have to use all of the money to pay bills. Most of it, but not all of it like I did when I was younger.

Money is a good feeling if you have enough. It's a bad feeling if you need more and can't do or get what you want. I know there are ways we could spend less. We could eat out less often. I could buy fewer books and get them at the library instead. Maybe, in time, I will do that. But for now, I'm going to relax and enjoy a little extra and save a little extra too.

And the beat goes on. . .

Yank

No, I'm not a "Yank" because I've been in New Jersey for 6 years, 4 months, and 3 days. And I'm definitely not a Yankee fan (think "baseball") even though I do love their new catcher, Pudge Rodriguez.

The title, "Yank," is because yesterday I had a back molar yanked out of my mouth and today I'm surviving nicely. It was one that was giving me some pain from time to time and one that we had already decided to remove so when I went yesterday to make sure I didn't have an infection my darling dentist (yes, darling was right) said, "We were going to pull it anyway. Do you want to do it today?" I thought about it for a moment and then said, "Let me go to the bathroom first."

Dr. Jonathan is a hoot. He's six months older than my son and is already very experienced in dentistry. It's a "spa," not an "office" and it smells lovely. No dental smells at all. The lobby has free coffee, juice, and bottled water, not to mention packages of cracker and cookies if you're going to be waiting for awhile. He wears a yamulke (how is that spelled?) and has a picture of his son on the monitors which are next to the chairs. You can also watch a soap opera or a talk show on that monitor. Quite cool, in theory.

I'm at work today. Taking everyone's comfort and sympathy but in reality I feel pretty damn good. Time for an Advil. . .

A Hint of Autumn

The high today was only around 70 degrees. Unheard of for August when I lived in Florida. I've had the a/c off and windows open at home for three days now. My hair is a bit lively, full of curls and little style, but I don't mind. It's different. I think having fresh air moving through the windows also gives me comfort of some sort. Is that possible? I hate hot air, but this air is agreeable for now. It sort of reminds me of a Florida fall day. I think too much about Florida, don't I? It's okay. Tell me. I can take it!

:o)

Being an American

Living in New Jersey reminds me quite often that I'm an American whose family rarely talked about their heritage. We weren't from Scotland or Holland. We were from Indiana. We weren't ethnic. We were Methodists. We didn't visit family in Germany or England. We went to Florida to see our family. When I meet people up here who are first or second generation Americans I wonder how long it will be before they don't have family in Puerto Rico or Syria or Mexico who they visit on a regular basis. I wonder how long until they say they're from New Jersey instead of from D.R.

Today we went to Chuck E. Cheese's for a birthday party for a little girl whose mother I work with. We get along well and have a great time together at work. We were the only ones there who weren't ethnically or racially different. We're white. Period. It was interesting though and I didn't mind or feel odd. We had a good time (but I hope I don't have to go back to Chuck E. Cheese's again anytime soon since it's so loud!).

And the beat goes on. . .

Typical Friday

Having Fridays off during the summer has its pros and cons. The major con is that we have to make up some of the hours - 45 hours altogether. I usually start making up time during the summer but this year the college assigned me to a different department to make up my hours and she hasn't given us anything to do yet. I am allowed to use some vacation time to make up hours but I don't like doing that. If they MAKE us take Fridays off, reduce our lunch hours to 30 minutes for over 4 months, and then still require that we make up time, there's just something wrong with that equation.

The pro is that I have Fridays off. Russell has taken a few off so that's nice, giving us an extra day together. But today he worked so I did my Friday routine - pedicure and library followed by eating things that are bad for me. Pedicures are something new for me. I had two done shortly after I moved here about six years ago and then didn't have another one until April so I could get ready for Patrick's wedding - or get my feet ready. So I've continued getting pedicures and I enjoy them. Today I got a nice colour and like looking at my toes. They massage my feet so nicely which is a little luxury in my world.

After stopping at the library and getting two books I chose not to buy over the past few months, I came home and played around on the computer and then ate chocolate. Then, in the afternoon, I slept. It felt good. I'd wake up for a little bit and then fall asleep again. And I read a book I bought last week.

So I am rested and have beautiful feet. A typical Friday. :o)

Shopping

This afternoon a friend of mine from work, Nina, and I took off together and went shopping. She and I have a lot of similar likes. Silver jewelry, nice clothes, books. I had found a wonderful jewelry shop that specializes in southwestern jewelry that I wanted to take her to so we decided to do it. First we went to the mall and had lunch at Legal Seafood, a Boston restaurant which is excellent. She'd never been there and she loved it even though we both had salads (Caesar for her and Cobb for me). Then we went to Coldwater Creek and looked at the jewelry and both found something on sale (a necklace for her - $7.99; a bracelet for me - $11.99). We looked around there some more and I found a perfect top for her that she fell in love with. She's small and it was so much fun "dressing" her. So she bought that too. We went to C.O. Bigelow's where she'd never been and she had fun looking at all the things there - make-up, hair stuff, lotions, soaps, etc. I had fun too. She bought some new lipstick. I got a couple tank tops on sale at Lane Bryant (where big women shop) and then we went to Borders. Neither of us bought any books today but we had a nice time looking around.

After that we headed out to the jewelry store which was not in the mall. It's called The Gem and I (cute, huh?). She fell in love with everything. This is not a cheap store but it's not overly priced either. She found a ring that looked beautiful on her hand. Silver with a sleeping beauty turquoise in it. I found a ring I liked too - one I'd been looking for for some time. Hard to describe but Russell said it was definitely me.

Why have I described this is such detail? Because I enjoyed myself. Nina and I have a nice balance and when I spend time with her (we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art together a few weeks ago) it feels normal. I guess I miss having friends to do things with. Having a husband is great, but he's not a woman so it's different when we shop for clothes. You know?

Nina and I are already planning our next trip to a town in Pennsylvania.

:o)

50 Cent

There is a movie being filmed outside of our building today. We're told it's 50 Cent making a movie. A couple co-workers and I walked out there and looked around but all we saw was a big trailer that had been moved in and parked along the street and a canopy set up with food underneath it. No 50 Cent person. It was hot and muggy so we left and came back into our cool office and had lunch.

This is my question - why would someone change his name to 50 Cent and then call his son 25 Cent?

Never mind.

Here's my other question: Is yogurt good for you? I love key lime flavored yogurt and Breyer's makes a wonderful, low-fat, one. Only 80 calories. Is this something I should enjoy more often?

Your advice is most appreciated.

:o)

Summers Past

I think a lot about my Florida summers. I think about how things were at work at the prison as well as how things were on vacations and on week-ends. I remember driving down to another prison in the middle of summer to see a former asst. warden. I went with my good friend and he and I traveled through the middle of the state which has no development whatsoever if you're in south Florida. It's mostly farmland and lots of kudzu covering trees on the side of the two-lane roads we had to take. But it was a good day. We were cool in the car and always had good conversations. I'd forgotten about that trip until a few years ago. Strange how many things seem to fade away and since I've moved up here have returned again.

I think about sitting by my pool, reading a good book and getting into the pool whenever I got too hot not to be wet. A lot of times I would stand in the pool and lean against the edge and read for long periods of time. My tans were beautiful back then. Now I have no tan that shows. I have no place to be out of doors in the sun and be comfortable here.

I think about St. Augustine and the times we spent there for vacation. I remember watching my son ride his bike on the beach when he was quite young - six or seven. He would pedal and pedal, faster and faster, and get far ahead of me as I walked along the beach and then he would make a u-turn and come back towards me with a huge smile on his face and the wind blowing his hair back so you could see that smile and see the joy the beach gave him.

I miss Florida summers whether I was working or not, at home or away. I wonder if I'll ever miss anything about New Jersey when I escape from here. I can't imagine.

Seesaw

Up and down. Up and down. Yesterday I didn't talk as much as I usually do. Same thing today, thus far. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to be left alone. But I do talk. When I see someone I know I speak to them. When I see someone I know I smile at them. But as soon as we've passed each other, the smile disappears. Different from the past. Not a real smile.

I could go back to bed right now and sleep for a few hours, but I'm at work so that's not going to happen.

There is no balance right now - something that is very important to me. Or maybe there is. Maybe this is the balance I will have to deal with for the time being. Just a low-key sort of thing. We'll see. . .

A Short Hint of Autumn

Breezy this morning making me think of Autumn. I used to love the change of the weather but now it's just the warning of the cold to come. But I'll survive it. Sometimes I think about all the things I can get rid of when I move south again - coats and sweaters, but then I realize it gets pretty cold in Atlanta - just doesn't last as long.

Weird dreams last night - dreamed my husband died but he was with his "family" (who don't actually exist in reality) and they called and told me he was dead and I was very worried about whether I'd have any money to move to Atlanta. And then I was scared that I was going to be alone and didn't know what to do. I woke up and reached over and, of course, he was there.

I also had a dream that I was getting married. It was the past and I was with a man who I'd had a very beautiful relationship with (and who is still a close friend).

Dreams are sometimes so far away when you wake up and other times so close. I wonder why.

I'm trying to drink less caffeine to see if that affects my anxiety. A friend of mine suggested it and he's a very smart person so I thought I'd try. Last night we went to get a slice of pizza for dinner and I took a caffeine-free diet coke with me. I had very little caffeine with me all day and feel pretty good today so we'll see. But I guess I should eat less chocolate too, huh? Bummer.

Still considering buying a Kindle. The more I read about it the better it sounds. We'll see. :o)

A New Month

Where did July go? If you find it, please send it back. I don't understand why summer goes by so quickly even with the heat and humidity. It's easier than winter for me.

Feeling stronger yesterday and today. I added the picture of my son on the front page of my blog as you probably noticed (not that very many people read my blog, which is okay). It was taken by his Aunt Karen when he was about 18 months old. This picture gives me strength and balance. It's like he's looking into my soul.

Karen died in January, 2005. I still miss her every single day.

Still Wednesday

It's the end of the day - nearly 8:30 as I begin this. The anxiety has lessened and I don't mind feeling the little bit that I do at this time of day, but I wish I would wake up like this. Being at home with my darling Jersey guy is a very safe feeling for me. Maybe the fact that he's been getting up and going to work an hour earlier than I do this week has increased the anxiety. I like his new schedule because we normally get up at the same time and leave the house at the same time to head to our respective jobs.

I try to analyze everything that surrounds me. So strange to feel this way and so strange to live in the past so much. Well, not "live" per se, but think about so many things from the past. I've never done this before in my life. Is this part of growing old?

Well, at least the Marlins are winning tonight in the 5th inning. We'll see how it is in the 9th, though, huh?

Dangling

Hearing words like "New Jersey" and "New York" give me a punch in the gut. The anxiety continues this week, and has, in fact, gotten worse for no reason. I sleep well because of medication, I'm sure, but when I wake up the anxiety is there, punching me in the stomach, making me rock or shake my leg. I have no reason to get up but I get up anyway and get ready for work and then I get here and don't have any desire to stay nor do I have any desire to go home. There's nothing here or there.

I wonder what I need. I do Lamaze breathing as I drive into work - a short drive, fortunately. Although there are times when I wish I could keep driving although I don't know where I would go.

When I feel the way I feel now I wish I could sleep all the time until I feel "normal" again.

Maybe more later but that's all for now. . . 8:30 a.m.

Sunday Anxiety

How strange that anxiety seems to rear its ugly head quite often on Sundays. Makes no sense. I have nothing bothering me that I can figure out. Russell and I had a nice day off Friday, driving up to a very small town in NY state to visit my cousin who was there from Kansas visiting her son who was at work in Manhattan where he has another place to live. I've never met him but would enjoy that, I think. My cousin adopted him as a baby. He's a beautiful, young man. At first I thought he might be a model, but he simply works in advertising. The house we visited was incredible. Very relaxing place to be but he needs a pool. :o)

At any rate, we had a good trip. It was about an hour and a half to two hours to get there. On the way home we drove through Franklin where the Weis Grocery store is and we hadn't been there in a couple years so we decided to stop and see if they had anything we can't get at our regular market. And we did - found Russell's favorite flavored water and my favorite flavored cream cheese.

Yesterday, Saturday, we did laundry and went to Jose' Tejas and watched some t.v. and read and just spent a quiet day close to the house (other than Jose' Tejas). I know if I had a porch I'd be outside more than I am, but, well, I don't so I just need to get rid of that wish for now.

Today I woke up early feeling the anxiety again. But I'm functional. Got up and did our grocery shopping for real and then went to the mall to get Russell a pair of pants for my nephew's wedding. Bought a couple shirts for myself and then went back to Jose' Tejas and then came home and watched the Marlins lose to the Cubs. Haven't seen them play in quite awhile though so it was interesting to watch.

Russell is trying to grow cacti, btw. He bought another new one today - a small one. Any advice is more than welcome. :o)

Have a great week.

Summer in the North

It's summer in North New Jersey. A time that leaves me wanting for something - a pool, a beach, things I've mentioned here before. Not that there aren't pools and beaches (aka: the shore) in NJ, but not in my world. Too many people at the beach. The pools are not what I'm used to. The weather changes from week to week. So different from what I'm used to where the weather is pretty consistent from May through September with the exception of the occasional hurricanes. I used to dread those. Now I dread heavy rain which can cause flooding here.

Anxiety continues. It's worse in the morning when I first wake up. But I get up and do my routine and come to work where I'm always the first person in. As others start to arrive it gets better and better. I enjoy Nina. Linda is a hoot. We talk and laugh and work. I go home and am glad when my husband arrives. We do our evening routines and then it's back to bed only to wake up again with that anxiety crawling through my stomach. I do deep-breathing exercises when it arrives during the day. It helps somewhat. I need to learn more, I suppose. Never was a good student - just got good grades.

And life goes on. . .

Monday, Monday - part 2

I wish I knew what would help. I went out to lunch with L. and we had a nice time. One of the waitresses showed me a picture of her little boy, Isaiah, which was nice. I felt somewhat at ease, relaxed, while eating my lunch and talking. Came back to work and started getting things done and while I'm keeping busy I feel my stomach start to roil. Had a couple brain episodes today. Maybe three altogether. I forget sometimes.

Called and talked to Michael in Brick, NJ. Wanted to get their new address. I don't think he's going to like it here, but who knows. Sounds like they have a nice house. Who knows about that too.

I just have to "talk" sometimes - to write what I'm thinking even though I'm really not thinking about anything. Or maybe I'm thinking about too much but nothing definable. Go figure.

Monday Monday

At work: The anxiety is worse today and I had hoped it would be a little better. I think the threat I got in an email this morning from a former participant in one of my programs hasn't helped. Said he was going to call an attorney, implying I had given him permission to go ahead and sign a contract to teach. I don't think so. Maybe I'll have to be less helpful if this is the sort of thing I have to deal with.

I hate feeling this way. All I really want to do is go to bed and sleep. Read awhile and then fall asleep and stay there as long as I can. I'm tired this morning even though I got enough sleep last night. Just wish I could go home and take some Tylenol pm and just sleep and sleep. Escape.

Lots of phone calls to make this morning. I've finished some of them and still have others to deal with. The lawnman and a doctor for Russell.

And life goes on.

Anxiety for the Needy

What if I didn't feel anything. Not joy or sadness. Not pain or contentment. Not solitude or anxiety? Do we need anxiety? Is it something that makes us complete? There is anxiety in everyone's life, but it's at different levels.

Times I felt anxious in the past - when I learned about my first husband's relationship with the woman in California. When my son got into trouble. When I faced accusations at work. But there were reasons for that anxiety and so when the situation was resolved, the anxiety was gone. Now I don't have anything that I can identify that causes the anxiety. It's been longer this time - 4 weeks instead of 3. That's a good thing. I did take an extra pill today and that seemed to help.

I want my balance maintained in my life. It used to be and it's always been a priority for me. I will continue to pray that it gets better faster.

Every Three Weeks

The anxiety returned on Thursday after I had one of those strange brain episodes. Is there a connection? There must be, but what is it? I've been to two different doctors about this and they don't think it's anything except stress. What stress? Living here? Not living in the south? Not living near Patrick? Will I have to deal with this for another three years? Longer?

Questions without answers.

I want to feel content. I want to feel sheltered and loved (I do and am) by more people. I want real friends but I would rather spend time with Russell than with other people. If we had couple friends it would work, but we don't so we do everything together which is fine with me but without anyone else.

I'm so glad Patrick and Kristin are coming for Christmas this year. I was shocked when he told me. I didn't think they'd want to spend their first married Christmas away from home, but it's not really their home - just where they live like where I live too. Still, they will make Christmas so much more special. I'm so lucky. Thanksgiving will just be Russell and me and that's kind of nice too. We can make it quiet and low-keyed.

But, even after saying all of this, the anxiety remains. I know it will go away. It goes away for awhile and then returns. It just isn't fair. Dear Lord, please give me strength.

Monday Monday

Not great today. Worked until 11 a.m. and then went to the new doctor who was okay. I didn't get anything for my cough since it's getting better.

Came home and didn't do much. Took a nap. Anxiety continues. Will it ever end?

Sunday Woes, Part II

Slept another two hours and woke up feeling a bit better. R is still asleep and I'll let him sleep as long as he likes since he worked yesterday. Patrick & Kristin are leaving on their cruise today. I hope they have a wonderful time. I'm sure they will.

I think back to years ago when I wasn't always happy but didn't go through these spells for no reason. At least I had a reason for being sad when I was down back then. Now I feel the anxiety and I don't know why. Nothing has caused it except being here? I don't know. I am so afraid I'm going to go through this again this week when I have to GED test. I want to be able to test. In March I couldn't do the testing because of the anxiety. Praying.

Sunday Woes

Sundays are my worst day, by far. Because I have to go to work the next day? I guess so even though work is not the reason for my downs. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and got up to take my pills. But it didn't work. The anxiety returned and I have been in bed rocking and praying since then. I just got up again and took another one of my pills to see if that would settle me. We'll see. It's back to bed to sleep some more (I hope and pray) and see if I can be myself when I wake up again.

Please, dear God. Help me.

Yo-Yo

Up and down. Up and down. These moods are not stabilizing and I am growing to hate it more and more. Taking my meds more often and it helps for a little while and then the help dissipates and I feel the oddness returning, first through my stomach and then into my nervous system. But I don't say anything about it. I just do my best to be who I am.

I keep getting the weirdest remembrances of things that I've done before, places I've been before. It's so weird. Mirror Lake in St. Petersburg. Different streets and highways where I've been before in years past. So strange.

It is beautiful today - at least for now. Sunny but a bit cool. We had breakfast out as we usually do on the week-end. Russell worked this morning for a few hours so when we came home he took a nap.

I need to dust but I have no desire to do anything other than the laundry and even that is an effort but I'm a bit obsessed with the laundry - always have been, I guess. Also need to empty the dishwasher which won't take long, but I have no desire to do anything.

I wonder if I lived in VB if I would feel this way now. I don't want to go back, understand. It's just something I wonder. I had good years there but there were bad ones too. But I had many years with my son there and that matters the most. I miss him so and thought I'd gotten through the wedding and was adjusting to everything. Apparently not. Apparently I have a lot of unresolved issues in my life that I can't even identify.

Up and down. Up and down. My life and feelings go on and on. Asking for help. Please.

Rain outside and in

I've been home from work for three days but not because I've been down but because I've been coughing. However, the feeling of depression and anxiety has been close on the heels of the coughing and I don't know why. Nothing comforts me right now. Except, perhaps, sleep. I just wish this emotional crap would disappear from my life. I wish I could disappear from my life. Go some place else, be with other people. And Russell. I don't want him to disappear - I just want to be with him some place else. I think. I hope.

Anxiety is the main problem in my world, and I don't know why. It has become more intense in the last few days. Maybe work is better for me.

Monday I will be seeing a new regular doctor. I'd hoped to go yesterday or today but she didn't have any openings so I'll go Monday after spending a few hours at work and establish a relationship with her. I've been told I'll love her. That would be nice. I've just had enough of Dr. Nitti who doesn't seem to take anything seriously enough to deal with it or something. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things. Thinking back to three weeks ago when we were in Georgia, preparing for Patrick & Kristin's wedding, being with people I knew and didn't know; being with old friends, family. I miss Patrick quite often. They leave on their honeymoon in 2 days. I hope they have a wonderful time.

I'm ready for a change in my life, but I don't know what it is. Time will tell. Dear God, please help me find strength and joy and peace in my life. I beg of you.

Anxiety

It's still here, creeping up on me after I've taken my medicine, when nothing particularly unusual has happened. Am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life? I don't know how I'll manage. There are times when I think I know what needs to change in my life in order for the anxiety to diminish but it's almost impossible to describe. I think about my past, the problems I had but didn't create these feelings then. Was I more at peace with my life overall? With where we lived? Who my friends were? With what I did? I don't believe this. There is one good thing that is missing from my world now that I had then, but he's not gone - just grown up and doing his own thing. The wedding this past week-end was absolutely great and I'm so glad for both of them. They are lucky people to have each other.

I have three more days off from work and then it's back to the routine which shouldn't be a problem but seems to create stress for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't have anyone there who I'm truly close to - a few people I enjoy, but it's not the same.

Whine, whine, whine. I'm going to start taking the red pill more often - 1/2 at a time. I hope it helps.

April Anxiety

They gave me medicine for my anxiety in March and it's been doing a good job until the last couple of days and now I'm feeling the anxiety again in the afternoon. I don't know why, but I'll just have to see how things go and take it easy as our vacation begins and we get ready to head south to Georgia for my son's wedding. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I hate my stomach which seems to roil just a little bit. Should I take more of those little reddish pills? Take an extra white one? Maybe I'll have to call and ask next week. I'd call tomorrow but I don't know if Kathy is working tomorrow since it's Monday. We'll see.

Russell and I are great. We had a good week-end. Met Ed and Jen for lunch yesterday. Went to Border's and bought four books, 3 for me and one for him. I have so many new books right now that I want to read. Wish I had more time. Wish I had a pool to sit next to and read and work on my tan. I miss that a lot and will probably never do it again. I'm old now. lol

I look forward to seeing my sisters and brother at the wedding. Of seeing Chatty and Kerry. It will be interesting, I hope. And fun.

Enough for now. . . much feel better. Please, God.

I am a Simple Woman

I've decided a simple life is the best kind of life to have. Stacy's description of deer and the singing of birds in the morning while she's feeding the newest love of her life is a perfect example of this. I want things to be simple. Not necessarily "easy" but enjoyable and relaxing.

Can you tell this medicine I'm on is working well? It is. I'm not having the brain farts (did I tell you I went to the neurologist?) and am functioning the way I was in the past. I'm living my life the way I find it to be comfortable and fulfilling. Little things do that for me - wearing blue jeans to work when I feel like it, having a cookie when I want a cookie, snuggling my husband, buying a book, planning our trip to Georgia. . .

I think we should all do everything we can to simplify our lives so when those things do occur (broken bridges, cars, floods, illnesses) we can cope with them without having the rest of our life interferring with a solution until we get back to whatever feels normal for us.

And life goes on. . .

St. Patrick's Day

Back to work and did well. Sharon picked me up which was a nice feeling. tomorrow I will try to drive for the first time in a week. I hope my car starts.

Just two more days this week and then we're off Thursday & Friday. Next week I just work two days and then leave to go to see Patrick & Kristin. :o) That makes me very happy.

Russell made his own dinner and started to make his own lunch but I came in and helped him. I like working with him together in the kitchen. He understands that too. I love him.

No panic attacks today. I pray every day will continue to get better and better and better.

Another Sunday

I keep the blinds closed so I don't see much outside. When we did our grocery shoppng and went to breakfast there was a little rain spitting but it didn't make us wet. Russell and I did some laundry and will finish up later. I did the checks. Routine things but that's good.

I took my medication this morning at about 6:15. I took an extra 1/2 xanax and I think that helped me get through the morning without the roiling of my stomach and the anxiety starting to rise. I hope so.

Tomorrow is Monday. I wish I didn't have to work any more, but I do. What I'd like - I'd like to move to Atlanta and work with my family, with Kristin if she ever opens a shop of some kind. I would like having that type of flexibility in my life.

I think I will less compliant at work. I will just do my job. Do I tell my boss this beforehand or just let her figure it out herself? No additional jobs or assignments - just let me do my two big things and leave me alone. I think I'll wear blu ejeans more often when I feel like it and not wear makeup. I wonder if I could do that. It's so much easier. I just want to be natural right now. Strange what life brings your way.

I pray tomorrow is a little bit better and then the next and the next. Please, God.

Thank God for my sisters and my husband. They are everything to me.

The Ides of March

It's 7:10 am. I woke up at 5:30 and took my medications. Slept a little bit longer after that but then woke up with the anxiety even though I'd taken all the medication I should have. Russell got up a litttle while ago to go online and check his LSU stuff, I imagine, so I finally decided to get up too. I am dreading today with Greg. Not becasue of him but just because there are things we normally do and will try to do today and I just don't want to do them but at the same time I do. It's cool and rainy today. No t a good thing but whatever.

Had an episode when I got up at 5:30. One of those brain things. They seem to be shorter. I want to be me again. Please, God, let me be me again. Let me be what is normal for me. I pray.

Friday

I got up earlier today and mayhbe took more medicine but not too much. I'm learning how the medicine works and waht I should take for what I'm feeling. I took a shower at 11:00 so that's an improvement over yesterday. I take it an hour at a time.

Last night I felt like me so I kno it's ossible. mornings are the worst thougha nd being alone in themorning is very hard.

down the hill

I am a mess. I hpe the medicines they are giving me wil help. I try to hae faith. I am so glad I have my sister who has experienced this too. It helps me. I can't imagine feeling this forever but it doesn't feell as though it's ever going to go away. I made myelf get out of bed and eat a half a doughnut because I haven't been eating either. Hey - that's the good side of this, I'm losing weight. I'm drinking water. I'm going to try to stay up until Russell gets home and then take a shower for the first time in two days but I need him to be home when I do taht for some reason.

I want to be okay by the time I'm goin to Atlanta, two weeks from today. I want to go but not feeling like this.

Please, God, help me. Bring me strength so I can get through this. I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can.

Sunny Sunday (but cold)

Sundays used to have a special charm to them. Now, they don't as much. But I'll get over that someday. Yesterday was a miserable day - rainy, windy, depressing. I hated it all day. We had our taxes done (not good news but, well, it is what it is) and then went for some lunch at our usual place and then came home. I fell asleep and still felt miserable when I woke up. Took a pill and began to feel better.

Anxiety when I woke up this morning early (even earlier than I imagined since we changed time last night) but I just forced myself back to sleep until seven o'clock. And now I'm better. Grocery shopping is done, breakfast is eaten, and now we'll decide what to do with the next few hours before we come home and settle in for the rest of the day. Since Russell has to go to bed so early to get up early on Monday, our Sundays are cut short.

Whine whine whine. I just want to feel good. To feel content. To feel happy. I just want to feel like me. I wonder if I'm still inside of myself. Time will tell.

What is normal?

I live on a street that isn't a "busy" street. But it is used frequently by cars and trucks and people walking to and from a bus stop. It's not a city street either. But it's a little noisy, just not constant noise. It's in a small town and what's interesting about it is that if you go to the top of this street you're in a different town and if you go to the bottom of this street you come to two different towns and none of those are the town where I live.

Everyone who knows me knows I don't like where I live. I do my best but there are days when living here is just too foreign, too much of a challenge. There's nothing charming or unique about where I live. It's just a town. I complain about it a lot. Forgive me.

I think I'm having a serious S.A.D. attack right now. After snow last Friday, it's gotten worse. I dream of green leaves instead of naked trees that look like sticks in the distance. I dream of walking through a beachside park wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sandals, feeling the warm, salty wind against my face, making my hair curly instead of having to put on socks and boots and laters of clothes and having hair so straight it doesn't even appear to be the same hair I've had all my life.

Nothing inspires me anymore. I remember when I had inspirational thoughts, experiences, adventures, friendships. No more.

I've made choices. We all do. Sometimes those choices work out for us and sometimes they take time to adjust to. I've had enough time and still haven't adjusted but at least I'm with the man I love; the man who loves me. At least I see an end - a few years away, but still, an end. Please, God.

Driving Alone

I'm driving across State Road 60, in the middle of the state of Florida. I'm going over a canal and there's a long turn in the road after that. I'm heading east. It's a bright, hot day. I'm wearing sunglasses and driving the Mustang I used to have. I don't know why I'm thinking of this since in reality I'm sitting at work, in the middle of downtown Paterson, NJ, wishing I were anywhere but here. Is that why I'm thinking about SR 60? Because I don't want to be where I am?

Sometimes I think I'm walking out of the Jordan Marsh at the West Palm Beach Mall where I haven't been in more years than I can remember. More than ten years, I'm sure. I remember getting my first second hole pierced into my ear. I only had one ear double-pierced because I liked the assymetry. I was with Karen, my sister-in-law who is dead now. I got a gold star and might still have that. I was 26 years old and hadn't even had my son yet.

Sometimes I think about other things, other places, other people. Is it an escape for me? Is it just to make me remember other things, other times, other people? Things that no longer exist for me and never will again? Do I grieve the past more than I imagine? Do other people?

I'm not unhappy. Am I? Sometimes I think I'm lonely because there are so many strangers around me. That's probably why I like to go to the same restaurant all the time - because I do see people there that I know and who smile when they see us. It's not the food. It's the people. So why don't I get this at work? Because I'm not "special" at work? I was in Florida (or at least I felt as though I was), but I'm just a routine person here.

So I have a memory of driving alone, heading home to a place that no longer exists for me. A place I destroyed.

Valentines

When I was in elementary school we always had a Valentine's Day party. I lived in Northern Indiana from the time I started school through 5th grade. I can remember going across the street to Tuesley's Drug Store and picking out my box of valentines. We would bring a valentine in for everyone in our class, even if we didn't like the person. I loved signing them and addressing them, choosing the right card for the right person.

It was always cold on Valentine's Day and since we often got lake effect snow, we usually had snow of some sort. I can remember walking to school on Valentine's Day, carrying my valentines to give out when I went to school and carrying the valentines I had received on my way home. I wish I still had those valentines. Their shapes weren't squares or rectangles like the ones you get now and they didn't have things like Barbie and Ken or Sponge Bob Squarepants. They were shaped like cut-outs, the shapes of hearts and animals and other things that were on the valentine.

We moved to Florida after my 5th grade year and things were a little different there. Everyone didn't give you a card and the party was low-keyed and quiet, but it was still there. After elementary school there were no more Valentine's Day parties. Junior High is a lot different. If you had a Valentine then you got a card from him. Otherwise, it was just a day to say Happy Valentine's Day to people you liked.

I have a Valentine of my very own now, of course. And when I got up this morning there was a large bag of Lay's potato chips with my card and a CD that he had wrapped all by himself. The potato chips made me laugh (long story), and the CD made me smile - he remembered that I'd said I didn't have a Linda Ronstadt CD and got me her greatest hits.

I like having a Valentine. Makes me smile and feel good all day long.

Happy Valentine's Day to you! :o)

Abraham Lincoln's Birthday

February birthdays are always rather interesting because they're like a celebration of spring. February babies were conceived in May and then they're born when we've had enough of winter and are looking forward to spring.

It's snowing here today. Not supposed to get more than an inch or two, but it's been coming down all afternoon and is sticking to the ground and trees and roofs. It's giving me anxiety. But, then, everything gives me anxiety except being with people I enjoy or people I have authority over, I think. Just a thought.

Derealization

Doing research today regarding anxiety and found the term "derealization." I couldn't find much about it but it kind of describes the experience I have when my mind takes a side street, leaving reality behind for anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes, I think. I don't know. I don't time them. Maybe I'll try to do that, but it's not a dramatic change. It comes slowly.

I will be working on something, taking a shower, reading, talking to someone, and my mind starts to take a side street. Sometimes my ears ring and sometimes they don't. Sometimes it's like a fast forward tape, one that I can't reverse. Derealization. I leave reality and go on to a fantasy. I wish I could stop those. There are times when days go by and I don't have one. And then I'll have two or three in the same day.

I do believe this is all anxiety-related. Now, if I could just deal with the anxiety and go back to the way I was. The Way We Were. Sigh. Whatever. It is what it is.

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow

It's snowing. I love watching it come down; it hypnotizes me unless I'm driving in it. This doesn't look like the kind of snow that will cause a problem though if I'm driving. Not sticking, just falling, so that's good. I could live another fifty years and never see snow again and be fine with it. But if I thought I'd never see the beach again, I'd have a difficult time adjusting to that.

Hampstead Owner's Field

When I was having one of my brain fades today I was writing in my journal and I wrote the words, "Hampstead Owner's Field." I have no idea what that means. Does it remind you of anything?

Does anyone every have thoughts of places they've been, roads they've driven on, towns they've lived in just out of thin air? Sometimes I have a thought about something in Palm Beach or St. Petersburg. Sometimes South Bend or Belle Glade. Sometimes I'm at the mall in my thoughts or driving to a motorcycle shop or at the library or, well, just about any where but it's always some place ordinary. Even my shrink thought it was weird.

When I lived in Florida, in Vero Beach specifically, this is about the time I would go to Dodgertown and buy tickets for spring training games. I'd talk to some of my teachers and find out who wanted to go with me - Jimmy and Rick and Hotch, sometimes Alyson. And I'd go at lunch and get the tickets. It was fun. I miss those games and now the Dodgers are leaving Vero after this year so even if I were there, it'd be over.

I'm so ready for something new that isn't an Italian restaurant. I'm so ready for something different that isn't New Jersey. I'm so ready to put the past behind me and leaving it in New Jersey. I'm so ready. . .

Hump Day

It's Wednesday. Hump Day. The middle of the work week if you work a Monday through Friday job. The middle of the week no matter what you work or don't work. I used to dislike Wednesdays when I worked at the prison because that was the day we got the new inmates and everything started all over again. I loved Mondays back in those days. Go figure.

I wonder if I'll ever feel like I used to feel - the calm without anxiety or brain fades. Or is this my sentence for the rest of my life? So many unanswered questions.

My husband brings me joy and comfort. I'm so lucky in that respect. It took me a long time to find him and I finally did so that's a good thing.

Now if I can just live near my son and his wife with my darling husband, maybe that will make a difference in my life.

Just random thoughts, spilling out. Nothing important.

And Fridays are the Best

Back to Friday again. Feeling great. Went out to lunch with two of my colleagues and we just talked and laughed and relaxed. It was actually good for all of us. Everyone has problems. Sometimes I wonder if I put the problems in my life off to one side, kind of like Scarlett O'Hara did, saying, "I'll think about it tomorrow." And now, all those issues are coming forth for me to deal with and come to some sort of resolution and understanding. Possible.

Tuesdays are Better

Much better today. Almost normal. Sometimes I think Paterson brings me to my knees, weakening me in a way I've never felt before in my life. Even working at the prison wasn't depressing compared to Paterson. Actually, the first 20 years I worked in the prison was inspirational. The last 7 years were a challenge.

Anyway, today was good. Mer and I talk more and share things and are becoming closer friends even with the age difference. We'll never do things together because she has a mother, but at work we find strength in one another and like being able to trust each other.

Rain and cold but at least no snow. Yet. We've had very little snow this year and I'm afraid that means we'll have a regular blizzard before winter is over. But I'm hoping not.

Boring post but in my world, boring is good. :o)

Mondays

Full of anxiety since I opened my eyes at five o'clock this morning. No reason. Just the feeling in the pit of my stomach and probably you can see it on my face if you know me well enough. But I'm at work, doing my best to put it aside and just continue with my day. It's my lunch hour now and I ate at my desk, as I usually do, and started reading a book. But I wish there were someone I could talk to, someone I could be with. I wish I were somewhere else.

I keep wondering if this will ever fade away or if it stay with me for the rest of my life. I keep wondering where this came from and why it's happening. I keep wondering if I move whether or not these feelings will adjust back to normal or if they will continue. I keep wondering. . .

Mondays are often the worst days for feeling this way. Last week wasn't so bad because we were off on Monday for a holiday. Then I knew I only had to be at work for three days because I was going to a meeting that I enjoy at another location on Friday. So it wasn't a bad week to look forward to. But there's absolutely nothing bad about this week either. No testing. No evening obligations. Just routine work that I can do and do well.

I wish I could figure this out. I wonder if I ever will.

Anxiety

As I head towards being 60, I seem to spend more time reflecting on my past. I remember all the places I lived with a different sense of clarity than I have before, beginning when I was six and we moved to South Bend. I think about the good things and the bad things. I recall friends and enemies. I skip over a lot of St. Petersburg and Winter Garden and begin thinking about college, meeting my first husband, getting married, getting jobs, having a baby. . .my life in a capsule, I suppose. But the memories are like jumping beans, going from place to place in no sequence or order.

Anxiety. This was never something I dealt with when I was younger. I seldom felt like this unless there was a specific event approaching. Now I wake up with it roiling (is that a word) in my stomach, expecting something horrible and there's nothing horrible near me. I take my medication and that reduces the feeling, but it's still there, sort of. Feeling anxious is like a curse to me. I want to feel the peace I've felt the majority of my life but it's been destroyed. I wonder if it will return when I leave NJ. Is it because I live here with so few friends, no family, and only one person who truly loves me?

There is probably no cure for anxiety. I've written about things and talked about things but nothing seems to take it away. There's nothing I can do to alleviate it yet, but I think about it quite often. Maybe in time. . .

Fridays Make My Week

Do you know anyone who would rather be at work than be at home? It's Friday afternoon and I was at a meeting this morning which ended early and probably had plenty of time to go back to work, but I didn't. No regrets at all. Not that I hate my job, but I'd much rather be at home doing absolutely nothing or even doing a dozen little chores than be at work. There might be other places I'd rather be than at home, but it's a good medium. [Is that the right word?]

So here I am, watching The River Wild, playing with my computer, and relaxing at the end of a week that was short anyway because we had a holiday on Monday. I think I'd like a job where I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. My first full-time job was at a bank when they used to close Wednesday afternoons since they stayed open late on Fridays. I kind of liked that. It broke the week up nicely. It also gives you an idea of how old I am, doesn't it? LOL

A quiet week-end ahead which is fine with me.

Grocery Stores

I moved from the south nearly six years ago and live in a place I'd never have even visited, let alone moved to. I live in North Jersey. After living in the south for a very long time and being only ten minutes away from the ocean, I have tried to adjust to this new life, living in a small town which is next to another small town which is next to another small town until eventually you get to the Hudson River and can cross that to get to New York City. It's very different for me and adjusting has been impossible. But I love my husband and I moved here so I could be with him so that's all right.

There are a lot of things I miss about the south. I miss going to spring training games on a March afternoon when the sun is shining and the sky is blue from one side to the other. I miss the smell of orange blossoms wafting through the air as I'd drive to work. I miss friends who made me laugh and gave me love. I miss the slow pace of life that you have to live in the south or you'd die because it's so hot. And I miss Publix.

I shopped at Publix from the moment I started shopping. I would wander through the store, filling my cart with the things I needed and didn't need. The aisles were wide and clear and clean. The shelves were stacked properly and always orderly. I would ask the store manager if he could get something that they didn't have. And he would. I would ask the deli manager to slice my sandwich meat a certain way, and she would. If I couldn't find something, they wouldn't just tell me where it was but would go to the proper aisle and show me. And they would bag my groceries for me and take them out to my car and unload them for me. When I shopped at Publix I only touched my purchases three times--when I put them in my cart, when I took them out of my cart, and when I put them away at home.

Now I shop at different places because there are no Publix Supermarkets in the north. And try as they might, PathMark and Stop and Shop and Shop Rite aren't Publix. The people aren't helpful or friendly like they are at Publix. After they scan my groceries, they just move them down for me to bag them myself. If I don't, they will do it but with a chip on their shoulders and they'll stuff as much into one bag as they possibly can, not paying any attention to the type of things being put in the same bag. If I have toilet bowl cleaner, they have no problem bagging it with bread and deli meat. If I have bread they'll put cans of soup on top of it. They don't care.

Now I touch my groceries five times - when I put them in the cart, when I take them out, when I bag them, when I carry them out to my car, and when I put them away at home.

Sometimes, when I watch baseball games that are being played in Atlanta or Miami, I see the Publix sign by the scoreboard and wish I could get up and drive to the local Publix, just to walk around and look at how neat and clean everything is. I feel a certain sense of homesickness even though I know I'm at home.

Six years and I still miss the grocery store, almost more than anything else, in the south. I miss Publix.

MLK, Jr. Day

The cold continues, but I'm warm and cozy inside, looking out the window and seeing blue skies and sunshine. I can even imagine warm weather until I touch the window.

My anxiety level is much more in control and that makes me happy. However, I continue to have those brain fades, where I take a trip away from reality and seem to play a tape in my mind that can't be interrupted. I plan to go to a neurologist again and see what he has to say. Even the thought of an M.R.I. which scares the s**t out of me sounds like it might be a good idea if that's what they think I need. I think I can handle it if I get a valium beforehand. I don't know what it is. I believe it's stress because these fades aren't daily. I'll go three or four days without having one and then have two or three in one day. I wish I could explain them better. I wish I could meet someone who has experienced this. Everyone I tell about them looks at me like I'm crazy. Oh, wait! Maybe I'm crazy!

Or maybe it's just everything in my life that makes me want to escape to another world sometimes. Between New Jersey and the things that went on in Florida which I haven't been able to totally let go, I do have too much going through my mind.

And so, life goes on. . .

:o)

It's Cold Out There

Sunday - a quiet one like most of ours are even though we're both off tomorrow for MLK, Jr. Day and don't have to go to bed early. We did our usual routine - grocery shopping at 7:30 and then breakfast. Then we just "hung out." I did some laundry; Russell did some napping; watched t.v.; did crossword puzzles; then we both took a nap and then we went out for a late lunch/early dinner at our usual place. Now it's football time, I guess, even though we really don't care who wins either game today.

It was 21 degrees as we drove home. No snow though. Not yet anyway. It's been sunny and bright all day. I'm glad about that.

Yesterday was my brother's birthday. I called him but he wasn't home so I talked to my sister-in-law and said I'd call back. And I did. From 5:15 until 8:30 and the phone went directly to voicemail every time. So I didn't get to talk to him. At least I sent a card.

Tomorrow we're supposed to get our new CPU and so we have to stay close to home all day which is actually okay with us. I'm going to make beef stew and we'll just relax because it's supposed to be cold again. I have lots to read, things to crochet, and can even do some more laundry.

And life goes on. . .

:o)

January 17th

It's Thursday - a good day because if you work you only have one more work day in the week before your week-end. I've worked since 1973 and all of my jobs were full-time, Monday through Friday. Sometimes I had to work a couple evenings a week, even after my son was born. I'd go in from 1 pm until 9 pm at the prison, supervising the evening education programs when I was the education counselor there. I liked it because my son wasn't born yet and my husband was a police officer and worked shifts so that gave us some flexibility. But I would hate it now and when I do have to work evenings now and then, I sort of resent it but then, when I do it, I don't mind.

Time is so different to me now that I'm older. It seems to rush by me sometimes and crawl like a lost turtle at other times. And I often think that I've spent the last twelve or thirteen years waiting for something to pass me by so I could get to where I wanted to be. And I'm still doing that. I need to live for the moment and sometimes that's just too much like work. But I still try even though I believe trying is just an excuse for not doing something. "Oh, I triiiiied," I can hear people whine. I don't do that. You either do it or you don't. That's what I used to tell the inmates who weren't doing well in school. Like the Nike ad: Just DO It! But that's not always possible right away, I guess.

Still, I will try. Maybe right now that's all I can do.

A three day week-end coming up. Hip Hip Hurray! :o)

January 16th

My first blog posting. I wonder if this is something I can actually do on a regular basis or if I'll censor myself as I write. I know I need to be careful.

Today was an excellent day and the anxiety and lack of balance that I've been experiencing for the past few months was minimal. I believe I am making these changes and not relying on others to do it for me.

It snowed in Atlanta today. Atlanta! I couldn't believe it. It is supposed to turn to rain as the night goes on so tomorrow will probably be nasty but not snowy there. I hate snow. When I was a little girl and lived in Northern Indiana I loved it. I can remember building snow forts and making snow angels and snowmen. Then I moved to Florida when I was 11 and discovered I'd rather build sand castles than snow forts. I'd rather be tan than pale. I'd rather swim in the ocean than trudge through a snow drift.

And so life goes on. That probably should've been the name of this blog - Life Goes On. :o)