Tuesdays are Better

Much better today. Almost normal. Sometimes I think Paterson brings me to my knees, weakening me in a way I've never felt before in my life. Even working at the prison wasn't depressing compared to Paterson. Actually, the first 20 years I worked in the prison was inspirational. The last 7 years were a challenge.

Anyway, today was good. Mer and I talk more and share things and are becoming closer friends even with the age difference. We'll never do things together because she has a mother, but at work we find strength in one another and like being able to trust each other.

Rain and cold but at least no snow. Yet. We've had very little snow this year and I'm afraid that means we'll have a regular blizzard before winter is over. But I'm hoping not.

Boring post but in my world, boring is good. :o)

Mondays

Full of anxiety since I opened my eyes at five o'clock this morning. No reason. Just the feeling in the pit of my stomach and probably you can see it on my face if you know me well enough. But I'm at work, doing my best to put it aside and just continue with my day. It's my lunch hour now and I ate at my desk, as I usually do, and started reading a book. But I wish there were someone I could talk to, someone I could be with. I wish I were somewhere else.

I keep wondering if this will ever fade away or if it stay with me for the rest of my life. I keep wondering where this came from and why it's happening. I keep wondering if I move whether or not these feelings will adjust back to normal or if they will continue. I keep wondering. . .

Mondays are often the worst days for feeling this way. Last week wasn't so bad because we were off on Monday for a holiday. Then I knew I only had to be at work for three days because I was going to a meeting that I enjoy at another location on Friday. So it wasn't a bad week to look forward to. But there's absolutely nothing bad about this week either. No testing. No evening obligations. Just routine work that I can do and do well.

I wish I could figure this out. I wonder if I ever will.

Anxiety

As I head towards being 60, I seem to spend more time reflecting on my past. I remember all the places I lived with a different sense of clarity than I have before, beginning when I was six and we moved to South Bend. I think about the good things and the bad things. I recall friends and enemies. I skip over a lot of St. Petersburg and Winter Garden and begin thinking about college, meeting my first husband, getting married, getting jobs, having a baby. . .my life in a capsule, I suppose. But the memories are like jumping beans, going from place to place in no sequence or order.

Anxiety. This was never something I dealt with when I was younger. I seldom felt like this unless there was a specific event approaching. Now I wake up with it roiling (is that a word) in my stomach, expecting something horrible and there's nothing horrible near me. I take my medication and that reduces the feeling, but it's still there, sort of. Feeling anxious is like a curse to me. I want to feel the peace I've felt the majority of my life but it's been destroyed. I wonder if it will return when I leave NJ. Is it because I live here with so few friends, no family, and only one person who truly loves me?

There is probably no cure for anxiety. I've written about things and talked about things but nothing seems to take it away. There's nothing I can do to alleviate it yet, but I think about it quite often. Maybe in time. . .

Fridays Make My Week

Do you know anyone who would rather be at work than be at home? It's Friday afternoon and I was at a meeting this morning which ended early and probably had plenty of time to go back to work, but I didn't. No regrets at all. Not that I hate my job, but I'd much rather be at home doing absolutely nothing or even doing a dozen little chores than be at work. There might be other places I'd rather be than at home, but it's a good medium. [Is that the right word?]

So here I am, watching The River Wild, playing with my computer, and relaxing at the end of a week that was short anyway because we had a holiday on Monday. I think I'd like a job where I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. My first full-time job was at a bank when they used to close Wednesday afternoons since they stayed open late on Fridays. I kind of liked that. It broke the week up nicely. It also gives you an idea of how old I am, doesn't it? LOL

A quiet week-end ahead which is fine with me.

Grocery Stores

I moved from the south nearly six years ago and live in a place I'd never have even visited, let alone moved to. I live in North Jersey. After living in the south for a very long time and being only ten minutes away from the ocean, I have tried to adjust to this new life, living in a small town which is next to another small town which is next to another small town until eventually you get to the Hudson River and can cross that to get to New York City. It's very different for me and adjusting has been impossible. But I love my husband and I moved here so I could be with him so that's all right.

There are a lot of things I miss about the south. I miss going to spring training games on a March afternoon when the sun is shining and the sky is blue from one side to the other. I miss the smell of orange blossoms wafting through the air as I'd drive to work. I miss friends who made me laugh and gave me love. I miss the slow pace of life that you have to live in the south or you'd die because it's so hot. And I miss Publix.

I shopped at Publix from the moment I started shopping. I would wander through the store, filling my cart with the things I needed and didn't need. The aisles were wide and clear and clean. The shelves were stacked properly and always orderly. I would ask the store manager if he could get something that they didn't have. And he would. I would ask the deli manager to slice my sandwich meat a certain way, and she would. If I couldn't find something, they wouldn't just tell me where it was but would go to the proper aisle and show me. And they would bag my groceries for me and take them out to my car and unload them for me. When I shopped at Publix I only touched my purchases three times--when I put them in my cart, when I took them out of my cart, and when I put them away at home.

Now I shop at different places because there are no Publix Supermarkets in the north. And try as they might, PathMark and Stop and Shop and Shop Rite aren't Publix. The people aren't helpful or friendly like they are at Publix. After they scan my groceries, they just move them down for me to bag them myself. If I don't, they will do it but with a chip on their shoulders and they'll stuff as much into one bag as they possibly can, not paying any attention to the type of things being put in the same bag. If I have toilet bowl cleaner, they have no problem bagging it with bread and deli meat. If I have bread they'll put cans of soup on top of it. They don't care.

Now I touch my groceries five times - when I put them in the cart, when I take them out, when I bag them, when I carry them out to my car, and when I put them away at home.

Sometimes, when I watch baseball games that are being played in Atlanta or Miami, I see the Publix sign by the scoreboard and wish I could get up and drive to the local Publix, just to walk around and look at how neat and clean everything is. I feel a certain sense of homesickness even though I know I'm at home.

Six years and I still miss the grocery store, almost more than anything else, in the south. I miss Publix.

MLK, Jr. Day

The cold continues, but I'm warm and cozy inside, looking out the window and seeing blue skies and sunshine. I can even imagine warm weather until I touch the window.

My anxiety level is much more in control and that makes me happy. However, I continue to have those brain fades, where I take a trip away from reality and seem to play a tape in my mind that can't be interrupted. I plan to go to a neurologist again and see what he has to say. Even the thought of an M.R.I. which scares the s**t out of me sounds like it might be a good idea if that's what they think I need. I think I can handle it if I get a valium beforehand. I don't know what it is. I believe it's stress because these fades aren't daily. I'll go three or four days without having one and then have two or three in one day. I wish I could explain them better. I wish I could meet someone who has experienced this. Everyone I tell about them looks at me like I'm crazy. Oh, wait! Maybe I'm crazy!

Or maybe it's just everything in my life that makes me want to escape to another world sometimes. Between New Jersey and the things that went on in Florida which I haven't been able to totally let go, I do have too much going through my mind.

And so, life goes on. . .

:o)

It's Cold Out There

Sunday - a quiet one like most of ours are even though we're both off tomorrow for MLK, Jr. Day and don't have to go to bed early. We did our usual routine - grocery shopping at 7:30 and then breakfast. Then we just "hung out." I did some laundry; Russell did some napping; watched t.v.; did crossword puzzles; then we both took a nap and then we went out for a late lunch/early dinner at our usual place. Now it's football time, I guess, even though we really don't care who wins either game today.

It was 21 degrees as we drove home. No snow though. Not yet anyway. It's been sunny and bright all day. I'm glad about that.

Yesterday was my brother's birthday. I called him but he wasn't home so I talked to my sister-in-law and said I'd call back. And I did. From 5:15 until 8:30 and the phone went directly to voicemail every time. So I didn't get to talk to him. At least I sent a card.

Tomorrow we're supposed to get our new CPU and so we have to stay close to home all day which is actually okay with us. I'm going to make beef stew and we'll just relax because it's supposed to be cold again. I have lots to read, things to crochet, and can even do some more laundry.

And life goes on. . .

:o)

January 17th

It's Thursday - a good day because if you work you only have one more work day in the week before your week-end. I've worked since 1973 and all of my jobs were full-time, Monday through Friday. Sometimes I had to work a couple evenings a week, even after my son was born. I'd go in from 1 pm until 9 pm at the prison, supervising the evening education programs when I was the education counselor there. I liked it because my son wasn't born yet and my husband was a police officer and worked shifts so that gave us some flexibility. But I would hate it now and when I do have to work evenings now and then, I sort of resent it but then, when I do it, I don't mind.

Time is so different to me now that I'm older. It seems to rush by me sometimes and crawl like a lost turtle at other times. And I often think that I've spent the last twelve or thirteen years waiting for something to pass me by so I could get to where I wanted to be. And I'm still doing that. I need to live for the moment and sometimes that's just too much like work. But I still try even though I believe trying is just an excuse for not doing something. "Oh, I triiiiied," I can hear people whine. I don't do that. You either do it or you don't. That's what I used to tell the inmates who weren't doing well in school. Like the Nike ad: Just DO It! But that's not always possible right away, I guess.

Still, I will try. Maybe right now that's all I can do.

A three day week-end coming up. Hip Hip Hurray! :o)

January 16th

My first blog posting. I wonder if this is something I can actually do on a regular basis or if I'll censor myself as I write. I know I need to be careful.

Today was an excellent day and the anxiety and lack of balance that I've been experiencing for the past few months was minimal. I believe I am making these changes and not relying on others to do it for me.

It snowed in Atlanta today. Atlanta! I couldn't believe it. It is supposed to turn to rain as the night goes on so tomorrow will probably be nasty but not snowy there. I hate snow. When I was a little girl and lived in Northern Indiana I loved it. I can remember building snow forts and making snow angels and snowmen. Then I moved to Florida when I was 11 and discovered I'd rather build sand castles than snow forts. I'd rather be tan than pale. I'd rather swim in the ocean than trudge through a snow drift.

And so life goes on. That probably should've been the name of this blog - Life Goes On. :o)