Prayers are welcome

Well, this is my fourth day of having an earache. I don't know if this is going to become a lot better before tomorrow when we head to Florida and I have some apprehension about flying with a swollen ear but I am going to Florida. End of sentence. End of verse. I'll just suffer if that's what I have to do. I probably need to go to an ear, nose and throat doctor but there just isn't time.

So pray for me. Our plane leaves at 1 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. I have two more antibiotics to take (one a day type) so maybe today will bring a dramatic change in the way the ear has been feeling.

I am packing. Should probably do a load of wash but just don't want to traipse down the steps to the basement and get it started. That's how lazy I've become. Honestly! I'm on flex time and vacation time and I've been sick the entire time I've been off this week. Bummer.

Here's a question for you - what do you think of Lindsey Lohan? Is she a good actor? Is she going to survive her addictions? Is she gay?

And the beat goes on. . .

One Thing I Need

The beach. I need to be in Florida by the beach. Don't even have to be tanning - just by the beach with the wind blowing through my hair, curling it around my face. I need to hear the waves and feel the water rushing over my feet. I need to feel my feet sinking into the sand with every wave that comes and goes. I need there to be sunshine while this is happening. I need to feel a sense of freedom from this anxiety. . .

Mornings

This is probably redundant but I'll say it anyway - Mornings are the worst for anxiety. I hope I'm reaching a peak and will start feeling a little better soon. Today is my last day of work until after Labor Day which is a nice feeling even though I don't have a lot of things on the agenda. I'll probably get a new pedicure. Maybe I can fit in some new highlights on my hair. And, of course, I'll have to pack but that's not until the day before we leave which is next Friday, August 29th.

That's all for now. . . maybe more later.

And the beat goes on. . .

More

More anxious and wishing I could go hide. But I'm still functional. Just don't want to do anything it seems. This same bloody thing happened a year ago at this same time. I'm planning to take off from work all next week for pleasure. We have a couple appointments - the surgeon for Russell to have his stitches taken out and the shrink for me. And I'm going to see if I can get some highlights added to just the front of my hair. So that's another appointment. And then, at the end of the week, we head to Florida. So I know I can do that and function well.

The medicine helps, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder how I would function without medicine. What if it were taken away or I stopped taking it by accident or because I wanted to see how I was without it. Well, let me tell you this - as I am now I will NOT stop the meds. I don't want to go into what I was before.

I had to work two hours extra today for make-up time. We have to make up 45 hours for the Fridays we have off during summer. We are assigned to someone to make up the time and today my assignment was to fold and staple flyers. Fun, huh? ::rolling my eyes:: So now I have 43 more hours to make up. Can you believe it?

And the beat goes on. . .

What ARE these?

I have been having those little attacks that take me to another place in my brain, leaving reality behind for a minute or less. They are so strange. I haven't had them like this for a long time but have been feeling a bit more anxious this week for some reason. Not sure why. There's no reason that I can figure out. Sigh. I read an article that said it might have something to do with "change of life" which I went through starting when I came to NJ. Menopause is not an overnight sort of thing so maybe that has something to do with these feelings as well as being in a place that doesn't seem to be the right place for me, as we all know.

When I have one of these attacks I can't talk about it. Sometimes Russell notices though. Interesting, huh? If they were consistent I'd probably worry more but since they come and go and don't get worse, I just deal with it and pray they will diminish soon. Maybe talking about them here will help.

Thanks for listening. . .and the beat goes on! :o)

Exhaustive Panic

Just about everyone I know could complain about Mondays. Most of us love our week-ends and love the way we feel when we can sleep until we wake up and then do what we want, for the most part. I know I do.

My week-end was good - busy but productive in its own way. Russell to the doctor on Friday; Greg on Saturday; Russell's niece's graduation/going away party on Sunday. And naps in between. I seem to like to nap these days more than ever before. I wonder if that's what causes panic sometimes - that I want to sleep and can't because I'm at work or driving or otherwise involved. Who knows!

The niece's party was interesting and weird but I had a good time. Russell's cousins who I've never met because they live near the shore were there and I felt right at home with them. Debbie and her husband Walt, Marcie, and Ricky. Also, Debbie and Walt's three children were there. It was interesting talking to them and being able to discuss Spencer, my late father-in-law who was a woman-hater. Debbie confirmed my suspicions that when Russell's mother died (he was 10 when this happened) that it changed Spencer because he didn't have a woman in his life who he respected or truly loved.

Anyway, I started feeling twinges of panic while we were at the party and then again this morning but I'm surviving. Feeling panic is tiring, I think. It makes you want to sleep so you can escape the panic as well feel refreshed. Since I'm at work, I can't do that.

Eleven days until we go to Florida for the nephew's wedding. Twelve days until LSU's first football game.

And the beat goes on. . .

Pay Day

I love pay days. Even though I know the money is coming in (and going out), I love seeing that amount added to my checking account (direct deposit, you know) and writing it into my register and adding it to my previous balance. It's rather comforting.

When I get paid I think about what I can buy or do. I think about how much I can save for our trips that are coming up the end of August and another the end of September. It's a nice feeling to know I don't have to use all of the money to pay bills. Most of it, but not all of it like I did when I was younger.

Money is a good feeling if you have enough. It's a bad feeling if you need more and can't do or get what you want. I know there are ways we could spend less. We could eat out less often. I could buy fewer books and get them at the library instead. Maybe, in time, I will do that. But for now, I'm going to relax and enjoy a little extra and save a little extra too.

And the beat goes on. . .

Yank

No, I'm not a "Yank" because I've been in New Jersey for 6 years, 4 months, and 3 days. And I'm definitely not a Yankee fan (think "baseball") even though I do love their new catcher, Pudge Rodriguez.

The title, "Yank," is because yesterday I had a back molar yanked out of my mouth and today I'm surviving nicely. It was one that was giving me some pain from time to time and one that we had already decided to remove so when I went yesterday to make sure I didn't have an infection my darling dentist (yes, darling was right) said, "We were going to pull it anyway. Do you want to do it today?" I thought about it for a moment and then said, "Let me go to the bathroom first."

Dr. Jonathan is a hoot. He's six months older than my son and is already very experienced in dentistry. It's a "spa," not an "office" and it smells lovely. No dental smells at all. The lobby has free coffee, juice, and bottled water, not to mention packages of cracker and cookies if you're going to be waiting for awhile. He wears a yamulke (how is that spelled?) and has a picture of his son on the monitors which are next to the chairs. You can also watch a soap opera or a talk show on that monitor. Quite cool, in theory.

I'm at work today. Taking everyone's comfort and sympathy but in reality I feel pretty damn good. Time for an Advil. . .

A Hint of Autumn

The high today was only around 70 degrees. Unheard of for August when I lived in Florida. I've had the a/c off and windows open at home for three days now. My hair is a bit lively, full of curls and little style, but I don't mind. It's different. I think having fresh air moving through the windows also gives me comfort of some sort. Is that possible? I hate hot air, but this air is agreeable for now. It sort of reminds me of a Florida fall day. I think too much about Florida, don't I? It's okay. Tell me. I can take it!

:o)

Being an American

Living in New Jersey reminds me quite often that I'm an American whose family rarely talked about their heritage. We weren't from Scotland or Holland. We were from Indiana. We weren't ethnic. We were Methodists. We didn't visit family in Germany or England. We went to Florida to see our family. When I meet people up here who are first or second generation Americans I wonder how long it will be before they don't have family in Puerto Rico or Syria or Mexico who they visit on a regular basis. I wonder how long until they say they're from New Jersey instead of from D.R.

Today we went to Chuck E. Cheese's for a birthday party for a little girl whose mother I work with. We get along well and have a great time together at work. We were the only ones there who weren't ethnically or racially different. We're white. Period. It was interesting though and I didn't mind or feel odd. We had a good time (but I hope I don't have to go back to Chuck E. Cheese's again anytime soon since it's so loud!).

And the beat goes on. . .

Typical Friday

Having Fridays off during the summer has its pros and cons. The major con is that we have to make up some of the hours - 45 hours altogether. I usually start making up time during the summer but this year the college assigned me to a different department to make up my hours and she hasn't given us anything to do yet. I am allowed to use some vacation time to make up hours but I don't like doing that. If they MAKE us take Fridays off, reduce our lunch hours to 30 minutes for over 4 months, and then still require that we make up time, there's just something wrong with that equation.

The pro is that I have Fridays off. Russell has taken a few off so that's nice, giving us an extra day together. But today he worked so I did my Friday routine - pedicure and library followed by eating things that are bad for me. Pedicures are something new for me. I had two done shortly after I moved here about six years ago and then didn't have another one until April so I could get ready for Patrick's wedding - or get my feet ready. So I've continued getting pedicures and I enjoy them. Today I got a nice colour and like looking at my toes. They massage my feet so nicely which is a little luxury in my world.

After stopping at the library and getting two books I chose not to buy over the past few months, I came home and played around on the computer and then ate chocolate. Then, in the afternoon, I slept. It felt good. I'd wake up for a little bit and then fall asleep again. And I read a book I bought last week.

So I am rested and have beautiful feet. A typical Friday. :o)

Shopping

This afternoon a friend of mine from work, Nina, and I took off together and went shopping. She and I have a lot of similar likes. Silver jewelry, nice clothes, books. I had found a wonderful jewelry shop that specializes in southwestern jewelry that I wanted to take her to so we decided to do it. First we went to the mall and had lunch at Legal Seafood, a Boston restaurant which is excellent. She'd never been there and she loved it even though we both had salads (Caesar for her and Cobb for me). Then we went to Coldwater Creek and looked at the jewelry and both found something on sale (a necklace for her - $7.99; a bracelet for me - $11.99). We looked around there some more and I found a perfect top for her that she fell in love with. She's small and it was so much fun "dressing" her. So she bought that too. We went to C.O. Bigelow's where she'd never been and she had fun looking at all the things there - make-up, hair stuff, lotions, soaps, etc. I had fun too. She bought some new lipstick. I got a couple tank tops on sale at Lane Bryant (where big women shop) and then we went to Borders. Neither of us bought any books today but we had a nice time looking around.

After that we headed out to the jewelry store which was not in the mall. It's called The Gem and I (cute, huh?). She fell in love with everything. This is not a cheap store but it's not overly priced either. She found a ring that looked beautiful on her hand. Silver with a sleeping beauty turquoise in it. I found a ring I liked too - one I'd been looking for for some time. Hard to describe but Russell said it was definitely me.

Why have I described this is such detail? Because I enjoyed myself. Nina and I have a nice balance and when I spend time with her (we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art together a few weeks ago) it feels normal. I guess I miss having friends to do things with. Having a husband is great, but he's not a woman so it's different when we shop for clothes. You know?

Nina and I are already planning our next trip to a town in Pennsylvania.

:o)

50 Cent

There is a movie being filmed outside of our building today. We're told it's 50 Cent making a movie. A couple co-workers and I walked out there and looked around but all we saw was a big trailer that had been moved in and parked along the street and a canopy set up with food underneath it. No 50 Cent person. It was hot and muggy so we left and came back into our cool office and had lunch.

This is my question - why would someone change his name to 50 Cent and then call his son 25 Cent?

Never mind.

Here's my other question: Is yogurt good for you? I love key lime flavored yogurt and Breyer's makes a wonderful, low-fat, one. Only 80 calories. Is this something I should enjoy more often?

Your advice is most appreciated.

:o)

Summers Past

I think a lot about my Florida summers. I think about how things were at work at the prison as well as how things were on vacations and on week-ends. I remember driving down to another prison in the middle of summer to see a former asst. warden. I went with my good friend and he and I traveled through the middle of the state which has no development whatsoever if you're in south Florida. It's mostly farmland and lots of kudzu covering trees on the side of the two-lane roads we had to take. But it was a good day. We were cool in the car and always had good conversations. I'd forgotten about that trip until a few years ago. Strange how many things seem to fade away and since I've moved up here have returned again.

I think about sitting by my pool, reading a good book and getting into the pool whenever I got too hot not to be wet. A lot of times I would stand in the pool and lean against the edge and read for long periods of time. My tans were beautiful back then. Now I have no tan that shows. I have no place to be out of doors in the sun and be comfortable here.

I think about St. Augustine and the times we spent there for vacation. I remember watching my son ride his bike on the beach when he was quite young - six or seven. He would pedal and pedal, faster and faster, and get far ahead of me as I walked along the beach and then he would make a u-turn and come back towards me with a huge smile on his face and the wind blowing his hair back so you could see that smile and see the joy the beach gave him.

I miss Florida summers whether I was working or not, at home or away. I wonder if I'll ever miss anything about New Jersey when I escape from here. I can't imagine.

Seesaw

Up and down. Up and down. Yesterday I didn't talk as much as I usually do. Same thing today, thus far. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to be left alone. But I do talk. When I see someone I know I speak to them. When I see someone I know I smile at them. But as soon as we've passed each other, the smile disappears. Different from the past. Not a real smile.

I could go back to bed right now and sleep for a few hours, but I'm at work so that's not going to happen.

There is no balance right now - something that is very important to me. Or maybe there is. Maybe this is the balance I will have to deal with for the time being. Just a low-key sort of thing. We'll see. . .

A Short Hint of Autumn

Breezy this morning making me think of Autumn. I used to love the change of the weather but now it's just the warning of the cold to come. But I'll survive it. Sometimes I think about all the things I can get rid of when I move south again - coats and sweaters, but then I realize it gets pretty cold in Atlanta - just doesn't last as long.

Weird dreams last night - dreamed my husband died but he was with his "family" (who don't actually exist in reality) and they called and told me he was dead and I was very worried about whether I'd have any money to move to Atlanta. And then I was scared that I was going to be alone and didn't know what to do. I woke up and reached over and, of course, he was there.

I also had a dream that I was getting married. It was the past and I was with a man who I'd had a very beautiful relationship with (and who is still a close friend).

Dreams are sometimes so far away when you wake up and other times so close. I wonder why.

I'm trying to drink less caffeine to see if that affects my anxiety. A friend of mine suggested it and he's a very smart person so I thought I'd try. Last night we went to get a slice of pizza for dinner and I took a caffeine-free diet coke with me. I had very little caffeine with me all day and feel pretty good today so we'll see. But I guess I should eat less chocolate too, huh? Bummer.

Still considering buying a Kindle. The more I read about it the better it sounds. We'll see. :o)

A New Month

Where did July go? If you find it, please send it back. I don't understand why summer goes by so quickly even with the heat and humidity. It's easier than winter for me.

Feeling stronger yesterday and today. I added the picture of my son on the front page of my blog as you probably noticed (not that very many people read my blog, which is okay). It was taken by his Aunt Karen when he was about 18 months old. This picture gives me strength and balance. It's like he's looking into my soul.

Karen died in January, 2005. I still miss her every single day.