Friends

Almost all of my friends, my real friends, live far away from me. Friends I can tell anything to, friends I feel at ease with, friends I love. They aren't near me geographically. We just left one of these friends about 45 minutes ago. She is a Florida friend who moved to Pennsylvania about four years ago. I don't see her often but her daughter (and husband and baby) moved to a town here in NJ about 25 minutes away so when she comes to see her daughter, we see her. And it's good. But today, when we left them, the anxiety hit like a brick, settling in my stomach like I had been eating all day long. It's still there and horrible. I can't even talk right now. Russell knows I've been suffering from anxiety since the kids left and knows that it lifted after Alyson called me yesterday to tell me she'd be here today and we could meet for lunch or whatever.

And now I'm back to knowing I only have one more day off before I have to go back to work. Can I deal with this? What should I do? Call the psychiatric nurse? Wait until Monday and call her? I'll think about it. I hate this so much. Absolutely hate it.

My Son

The boy at the top of my blog is my son, of course. My only child who had brought me joy and tears but mostly happiness. The tears are simply when we have to say good-bye again and he heads back to Atlanna or I head back to North Jersey. We plan to leave NJ within the next three years and move south, where I am much more content and where I can be near my son and his wife who I car about a great deal.

They've been here since late Christmas Eve and are leaving today. Not my favorite thing to think about. We've had some busy and great times together. Christmas Day was spent at home, of course. He loved the gift I gave him for which I am glad. I had a wonderful time buying his wife things as this was the first year they were married and the first year they were spending Christmas with us. They gave me an IPod and then taught me how to use it. I've enjoyed sitting in my chair listening to Chris Isaak go directly into my brain and singing along with him.

On Boxing Day we went into Manhattan, taking the ferry we always take and going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, a restaurant called Mesa Grill (Bobby Flay's), and then into the crowds to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. We also went into St. Patrick's Cathedral which was a bit overwhelming even though I'm not Catholic. I lit two candles while I was there and welled up with tears and emotion. God does exist.

Yesterday we went to the Garden State Plaza and wandered through it. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to sit and let them wander on their own since my knee was killing me after a day in the city. Lunch at Legal Seafood and then a quick stop at IKEA to find me a new chair for the computer where my laptop is. Success! And it's orange!!!! Football when we got home - Florida State (my son's school) versus Wisconsin and FSU won! YAY!

I was ready to sleep by 9 o'clock. Got up at 3:30 this morning and slept for a couple hours on the recliner where I dreamed interestingly weird dreams. And now it's their last day here. Their plane leaves at 3:20 this afternoon. Always hate it when we say our good-byes and don't know exactly when we'll see each other again. But I know we will find a time and date pretty soon.

I am surrounded by love. I am so lucky. . .

Sunday Sun

The sun came out today after a number of hours of snow. I have lost the brush/scraper for my car and have to get it cleaned off tomorrow so I can run a few last errands before Christmas Eve. I figure if I can get enough of it scraped off, I can go to the car wash down the street and drive through and let that take the rest of it off. I hope they're open.

I'm feeling anxiety this evening. All this medicine that I'm on and lately I feel it every now and then and at about this time of day (between 4 and 5). I don't get it. I take deep breaths though, read a book, come online, and it usually goes away. I don't need this and I especially don't need it with everything that I'm taking. I take six or eight pills for this crap. It's just not fair.

The cleaning man called to confirm he will be here tomorrow at 9 am. I am pleased. I haven't used him before and didn't get his name from someone who has. Found his card at my hair dresser's and figured I'd give him a try. Just want things to sparkle a bit for the kids when they get here. And for us, I guess. :o)

Okay, send prayers, strength, wise words for my anxiety which isn't overwhelming but which I don't want to let it get to that point.

Snow - 20 degrees

Our first real snow arrived yesterday morning. I was at work and we all stayed for awhile but then the roads started to look dangerous since plowing in Paterson is rare so we began leaving. The school finally shut down at one o'clock. Driving home just took patience. Russell's normal 40 minute drive took him 2 hours, but he made it only to have to return this morning for some overtime that was necessary.

We have G today. Have no idea what we're going to do with him since it's not the kind of day that you get in the car and just go places for no real reason. But maybe we will. We'll see.

P & K will be here Wednesday. It's calling for rain which is an improvement over the "wintry mix" predicted before. I hope it's a day that they can land in Newark safely.

That's all for now. . .

Dull

I think it's time to end this Blog and maybe write in my journal again. My blog is boring as all get out. Only two people ever read it and when I read their blogs they're much more interesting. I'm just dull, dull, dull. And there's nothing wrong with that. When my life was full of excitement it was horrible for me. Things were happening that I'd never want you or anyone else to experience. So boring is good. Exciting is only good if it's positive.

And that's the way life is. :o)

The Weather

Yesterday I called my son in Atlanta and asked him what the temperature was down there. It was 55 degrees. It was 70 degrees here in New Jersey. A bit wet and very cloudy and overcast but warm. I think I've gotten used to the feeling of in between temperatures (50-70 degrees). When I lived in Florida and it was 50 degrees we were freezing. Here, when it's 50 degrees I might wear a light jacket. Or not.

Today the high here didn't even get into the 50s - or just briefly. The westerly wind whipped through all day long, making it feel even colder. I wore a light jacket and a scarf over a regular shirt. Am I crazy?

I'm 99% sure I'm going to join the YMCA in a local town. They have two pools, a fitness center which is full of great equipment, and a friendly staff. I wish it were nearer but I know I need this and the pools are calling my name. I'll keep you posted.

Water, Water Everywhere

The water where I live has a high level of calcium and leaves behind a white colour. I use a spray on cleaner that works beautifully for that but lately the water has left an orangey colour of something. So today I called the water department in my borough (yes, I live in a borough) and a water man is coming over right NOW. Isn't that amazing?

I wish I'd saved my last shower curtain liner to show him. It was disgusting.

Okay, other than that my day has been pretty good. A physical at 8:30 and except for the blood work being done, I got a good report. Of course I need to lose weight but I have a woman doctor who understands life and doesn't talk "down" to women. She's lovely. I'm going to check the YMCA in a nearby town and see if I can swim there. I miss swimming and that would be excellent exercise for me.

Went onto the shrink's office and saw the psychiatric nurse and the psychiatrist who were more than pleased with my change in personality from my new meds. It's wonderful. We are going to wean me off one of the older ones (seroquel).

Tomorrow is Russell's birthday. :o) I bought him some candy, a new pillow, and an LSU pen. He'll love it all.

And life goes on.