Anxiety

As I head towards being 60, I seem to spend more time reflecting on my past. I remember all the places I lived with a different sense of clarity than I have before, beginning when I was six and we moved to South Bend. I think about the good things and the bad things. I recall friends and enemies. I skip over a lot of St. Petersburg and Winter Garden and begin thinking about college, meeting my first husband, getting married, getting jobs, having a baby. . .my life in a capsule, I suppose. But the memories are like jumping beans, going from place to place in no sequence or order.

Anxiety. This was never something I dealt with when I was younger. I seldom felt like this unless there was a specific event approaching. Now I wake up with it roiling (is that a word) in my stomach, expecting something horrible and there's nothing horrible near me. I take my medication and that reduces the feeling, but it's still there, sort of. Feeling anxious is like a curse to me. I want to feel the peace I've felt the majority of my life but it's been destroyed. I wonder if it will return when I leave NJ. Is it because I live here with so few friends, no family, and only one person who truly loves me?

There is probably no cure for anxiety. I've written about things and talked about things but nothing seems to take it away. There's nothing I can do to alleviate it yet, but I think about it quite often. Maybe in time. . .