Anxiety attacks are mysterious to me. I've had a beautiful week-end and then, yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little bit uneasy. And this morning was hell. There was no reason for it at all. I take my meds and feel a little better but not wonderful. Not "normal."
This afternoon at work after I took my meds I sat at my computer and dozed. It felt good to be able to close my eyes and not be interrupted by the telephone. I'd open my eyes now and then and see if any mail had arrived on my work email and respond to it if it had. But I think I only got one thing for the last hour and a half.
I'm home now, but I have to give a survey up at Wanaque later on. Russell is going with me for which I am thankful.
But back to the anxiety. It seeps out of me and takes control of my life. I want it go away, to disappear forever, but it doesn't. It just stays with me. I have brain farts and have memories from the past invade my life. Not bad memories just old ones. Nothing significant either. Something from when I was fourteen, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-eight, thirty-five, and so on. Memories of driving down streets in Vero on my way to and from work at the prison. Memories of feelings that I had when I was with my first husband. Memories of times with Patrick.
So tiring. I want it to go away so much. So very much.
2 comments:
I have the memory thing too. Sometimes it's set off by a smell, sometimes by a billboard or a bend in the road. Just now, when I read your post, I pictured the Angel Oak in Charleston, which we used to visit when I was a child. I have no idea why.
I agree that it is unnerving. Memories, and forgetting words, forgetting to finish a sentence.
I wish I could help you with the anxiety. I'd like to win the lottery and send you & Russell to Georgia.
I'd like that too - to be in Georgia and to be in a world more familiar and comfortable for me. Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary. Maybe we should play the lottery and see if we can get enough to escape. As if. . .
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