Friends

Almost all of my friends, my real friends, live far away from me. Friends I can tell anything to, friends I feel at ease with, friends I love. They aren't near me geographically. We just left one of these friends about 45 minutes ago. She is a Florida friend who moved to Pennsylvania about four years ago. I don't see her often but her daughter (and husband and baby) moved to a town here in NJ about 25 minutes away so when she comes to see her daughter, we see her. And it's good. But today, when we left them, the anxiety hit like a brick, settling in my stomach like I had been eating all day long. It's still there and horrible. I can't even talk right now. Russell knows I've been suffering from anxiety since the kids left and knows that it lifted after Alyson called me yesterday to tell me she'd be here today and we could meet for lunch or whatever.

And now I'm back to knowing I only have one more day off before I have to go back to work. Can I deal with this? What should I do? Call the psychiatric nurse? Wait until Monday and call her? I'll think about it. I hate this so much. Absolutely hate it.

My Son

The boy at the top of my blog is my son, of course. My only child who had brought me joy and tears but mostly happiness. The tears are simply when we have to say good-bye again and he heads back to Atlanna or I head back to North Jersey. We plan to leave NJ within the next three years and move south, where I am much more content and where I can be near my son and his wife who I car about a great deal.

They've been here since late Christmas Eve and are leaving today. Not my favorite thing to think about. We've had some busy and great times together. Christmas Day was spent at home, of course. He loved the gift I gave him for which I am glad. I had a wonderful time buying his wife things as this was the first year they were married and the first year they were spending Christmas with us. They gave me an IPod and then taught me how to use it. I've enjoyed sitting in my chair listening to Chris Isaak go directly into my brain and singing along with him.

On Boxing Day we went into Manhattan, taking the ferry we always take and going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, a restaurant called Mesa Grill (Bobby Flay's), and then into the crowds to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. We also went into St. Patrick's Cathedral which was a bit overwhelming even though I'm not Catholic. I lit two candles while I was there and welled up with tears and emotion. God does exist.

Yesterday we went to the Garden State Plaza and wandered through it. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to sit and let them wander on their own since my knee was killing me after a day in the city. Lunch at Legal Seafood and then a quick stop at IKEA to find me a new chair for the computer where my laptop is. Success! And it's orange!!!! Football when we got home - Florida State (my son's school) versus Wisconsin and FSU won! YAY!

I was ready to sleep by 9 o'clock. Got up at 3:30 this morning and slept for a couple hours on the recliner where I dreamed interestingly weird dreams. And now it's their last day here. Their plane leaves at 3:20 this afternoon. Always hate it when we say our good-byes and don't know exactly when we'll see each other again. But I know we will find a time and date pretty soon.

I am surrounded by love. I am so lucky. . .

Sunday Sun

The sun came out today after a number of hours of snow. I have lost the brush/scraper for my car and have to get it cleaned off tomorrow so I can run a few last errands before Christmas Eve. I figure if I can get enough of it scraped off, I can go to the car wash down the street and drive through and let that take the rest of it off. I hope they're open.

I'm feeling anxiety this evening. All this medicine that I'm on and lately I feel it every now and then and at about this time of day (between 4 and 5). I don't get it. I take deep breaths though, read a book, come online, and it usually goes away. I don't need this and I especially don't need it with everything that I'm taking. I take six or eight pills for this crap. It's just not fair.

The cleaning man called to confirm he will be here tomorrow at 9 am. I am pleased. I haven't used him before and didn't get his name from someone who has. Found his card at my hair dresser's and figured I'd give him a try. Just want things to sparkle a bit for the kids when they get here. And for us, I guess. :o)

Okay, send prayers, strength, wise words for my anxiety which isn't overwhelming but which I don't want to let it get to that point.

Snow - 20 degrees

Our first real snow arrived yesterday morning. I was at work and we all stayed for awhile but then the roads started to look dangerous since plowing in Paterson is rare so we began leaving. The school finally shut down at one o'clock. Driving home just took patience. Russell's normal 40 minute drive took him 2 hours, but he made it only to have to return this morning for some overtime that was necessary.

We have G today. Have no idea what we're going to do with him since it's not the kind of day that you get in the car and just go places for no real reason. But maybe we will. We'll see.

P & K will be here Wednesday. It's calling for rain which is an improvement over the "wintry mix" predicted before. I hope it's a day that they can land in Newark safely.

That's all for now. . .

Dull

I think it's time to end this Blog and maybe write in my journal again. My blog is boring as all get out. Only two people ever read it and when I read their blogs they're much more interesting. I'm just dull, dull, dull. And there's nothing wrong with that. When my life was full of excitement it was horrible for me. Things were happening that I'd never want you or anyone else to experience. So boring is good. Exciting is only good if it's positive.

And that's the way life is. :o)

The Weather

Yesterday I called my son in Atlanta and asked him what the temperature was down there. It was 55 degrees. It was 70 degrees here in New Jersey. A bit wet and very cloudy and overcast but warm. I think I've gotten used to the feeling of in between temperatures (50-70 degrees). When I lived in Florida and it was 50 degrees we were freezing. Here, when it's 50 degrees I might wear a light jacket. Or not.

Today the high here didn't even get into the 50s - or just briefly. The westerly wind whipped through all day long, making it feel even colder. I wore a light jacket and a scarf over a regular shirt. Am I crazy?

I'm 99% sure I'm going to join the YMCA in a local town. They have two pools, a fitness center which is full of great equipment, and a friendly staff. I wish it were nearer but I know I need this and the pools are calling my name. I'll keep you posted.

Water, Water Everywhere

The water where I live has a high level of calcium and leaves behind a white colour. I use a spray on cleaner that works beautifully for that but lately the water has left an orangey colour of something. So today I called the water department in my borough (yes, I live in a borough) and a water man is coming over right NOW. Isn't that amazing?

I wish I'd saved my last shower curtain liner to show him. It was disgusting.

Okay, other than that my day has been pretty good. A physical at 8:30 and except for the blood work being done, I got a good report. Of course I need to lose weight but I have a woman doctor who understands life and doesn't talk "down" to women. She's lovely. I'm going to check the YMCA in a nearby town and see if I can swim there. I miss swimming and that would be excellent exercise for me.

Went onto the shrink's office and saw the psychiatric nurse and the psychiatrist who were more than pleased with my change in personality from my new meds. It's wonderful. We are going to wean me off one of the older ones (seroquel).

Tomorrow is Russell's birthday. :o) I bought him some candy, a new pillow, and an LSU pen. He'll love it all.

And life goes on.

A Poem - 2-22-2000

So many days have passed since I saw you last,

driving away from me,

the sun so bright and

the wind so cold against my face.

I felt the sting of tears;

pulled back the sobs I knew would come later;

still able to feel where your arms had held me

just moments before.

I watched you disappear from me--

Perhaps forever.

Each day without you has a certain quality to it.

A new emotion one day.

A new understanding on another.

A sliver of hope, a promise of something good.

And some days

only a new set of tears.

jhb

For every season

This has been the most incredibly beautiful fall I've ever lived through - at least that I can remember. The colours of the leaves are so intense and the past few days the leaves have been falling from the trees like snow falling from the sky. Today it's finally sunny and even though the overcast skies and rain will return by the end of the week, I am totally enjoying the weather today. It's a "Sun"day from A to Z.

I sent out one of those Friends questionaires that you get every now and then from someone. I got three back and one of them was from my friend Judy who I got back in touch with on her birthday last month. It was quite touching and very interesting to learn a little more about her. It's been 45 years since we've seen each other or spoken so it's a little awkward, I imagine, for her, but she seems pleased that I got back in touch with her. I hope we can see each other again. It was great reading her answers and seeing things that we had in common. :o)

Did some Christmas shopping this week-end and made some progress. I must sort through the things I have and determine if I have enough for Kristin. It's been quite fun buying things for hr this year.

Russell got up early but went back to bed and slept another hour. He's up again but not dressed yet. Don't know what we're going to do today but I'd like to do SOMETHING. Even if it's our old place - Jose' Tejas.

The anxiety medicine that I've been taking has helped tremendously. I am so pleased and pray it will continue to help me. It's almost a miracle.

And so, the beat goes on. :o)

Halloween Boo!

Work has been very slow this week. I got everything done that needed to be done but by Thursday I didn't have anything new to do. Maybe 30 minutes of real work each day. So I took in my crocheting and am finishing up a really pretty scarf.

My boss talked to be today about grey stamps. How people secretly collect negative things that others do to them without addressing the issue at the time and then, when they're in public, they strike back at the person about those issues. I think I have a tendency to do that with some people. I guess we all do. It was interesting.

A quiet weekend. Just the two of us. LSU tomorrow. FSU too. Laundry and reading and relaxing. Works well for me.

Anxiety is still in abeyance. :o) :o) Did I use that word right? JoAnn, let me know. Thanks!

Monday, Monday

And so I woke up and felt fine. No roiling. No fear. No "oh, no!" feelings. And it's Monday. I'm pleased. Happy even. Part of having anxiety is getting anxious thinking you might have an attack. I don't have panic attacks. Panic attacks are probably more dramatic but last much less time - maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Not that it's "okay" since it's shorter, but what I have stays with me all day long until late in the day, right before bedtime. Then it starts again when I get up in the morning. Not as dramatic but just as upsetting, I'm sure.

I dreamed about odd things last night. Funny how you can remember a dream and then 30 seconds later it's faded away to almost nothing.

Sunday Evening

Are Sundays when anxiety begins? I was so good this week-end compared to what I'd been and then after we got home from doing a few things I started to feel the anxiety in my belly again and don't really know what to do. I've taken my meds religiously, and I've been positive and felt loved and loved in return to the people who I've seen. But now I'm thinking it's going to return in the morning and I don't know if I can stand it. I've even been eating normally this week-end. Not as much, maybe, but eating without forcing myself.

What the fuck is this? Why does it come on Sundays? Because I'm going back to work tomorrow? Is it Paterson? Is it the college? Is it the people I work with? This week is a regular type of week. No make-up time, no testing, no presentations. Just routine stuff in the office.

Weather is nice today too. I was on the loveseat and lying in the sun that came in through the window and it felt lovely. I was hoping that would make me feel more relaxed. Maybe it did. I want to be ME. Just me.

I have no idea why there's a picture of a cat with dynamite on it. I am trying to learn how to use a blog better and can't get rid of that. Sorry.

A Windy Fall Saturday

Very windy and rainy this afternoon. The leaves are flying through the air and sometimes I think they're birds passing by our front window. I'm feeling a bit more like me. The medicine seems to be doing its job and I pray it continues. I can't stand the anxious feelings I've been having and when I have them to the degree I had them this week and four weeks ago it makes me want run away from NJ. But I want to take my dear sweet husband with me.

Sometimes I think maybe we can go after we sell Spence's house. Or maybe we can go a year earlier - a compromise. To go there and still work is fine with me but everyone knows that getting a job now is not going to be as easy as it was when I came up here. Still, it's something to think about.

We had Greg today but then he had to go home early to work on a project with another kid so we had him home at 2 o'clock and have been watching college football since. A nice quiet afternoon. We did convince him to get his hair cut when we went to the mall today though. A major improvement. It was even clean!

Trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow. Movie? Mall? Jose' Tejas? We had Sbarro's today since we were at the mall and that was a pleasant change even though Italian is not my favorite. But we did okay.

Rambling - more like who I am. :o)

and life goes on. . .

Wednesday morning

the same today. Why?

Tears

I cried today. While I was talking to my boss on the phone when I called her to tell her I'm going to stay home tomorrow and go to the doctor but I will be at the open house for my major program tomorrow evening.

I haven't cried in a long time. Maybe it will help.

I talked to Susan today and Caroline. I don't know how to spell Caroline's name tonight. Is it Carolyn or Caroline? I hate it when that happens. I think I'm just tired. Anyway, they both were helpful.

I talked to some people in my chatroom too. I've gotten to know some of them and only about three or four of us were there and they were very helpful and listened well. Especially WildCIA who has experienced this too. As have Caroline and Susan.

Russell and I have a 3rd anniversary on Thursday. Three years. He wants to go out to Outback. If we do I think I'll only eat a salad and a baked potato.

That's all I have to say for now. I hope and pray I'm better tomorrow.

Mysterious

Anxiety attacks are mysterious to me. I've had a beautiful week-end and then, yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little bit uneasy. And this morning was hell. There was no reason for it at all. I take my meds and feel a little better but not wonderful. Not "normal."

This afternoon at work after I took my meds I sat at my computer and dozed. It felt good to be able to close my eyes and not be interrupted by the telephone. I'd open my eyes now and then and see if any mail had arrived on my work email and respond to it if it had. But I think I only got one thing for the last hour and a half.

I'm home now, but I have to give a survey up at Wanaque later on. Russell is going with me for which I am thankful.

But back to the anxiety. It seeps out of me and takes control of my life. I want it go away, to disappear forever, but it doesn't. It just stays with me. I have brain farts and have memories from the past invade my life. Not bad memories just old ones. Nothing significant either. Something from when I was fourteen, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-eight, thirty-five, and so on. Memories of driving down streets in Vero on my way to and from work at the prison. Memories of feelings that I had when I was with my first husband. Memories of times with Patrick.

So tiring. I want it to go away so much. So very much.

Money

I wonder what will happen when I don't have any money to do with what I want. If I just have enough to pay my bills and buy what I need, not what I want or think I want. I know there are times when I could just bypass buying things. Oh, well. In time, in time.

And so it's another beautiful day here. Another Jose' Tejas lunch. Now we're home, doing nothing, doing something. Anxiety lingers nearby but I'm doing my best to keep it far away. Back to work tomorrow. Nothing special going on at work except tomorrow evening. But I'll survive.

I swear I will. I pray I will.

An Autumn Saturday

Today was probably the most beautiful autumn day we'll see. The leaves seem to be at their peak and it was only in the 50s today with a beautiful bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine. The breeze was light but still brought some leaves drift down from trees and blow across where we were walking.

Russell and I went to an Arts and Crafts show in Montclair. We met Nina and her daughter there and had a lovely morning walking through, looking at things and even buying a few Christmas presents. I bought some things for Kristin and bought myself yet another bowl from a potter we see often and enjoy visiting with. Nina bought herself a hat which looked wonderful on her. Not the kind of hat I could wear but I definitely admired it on her.

We met Linda and her two kids at Jose' Tejas after the Art show. Had a nice, relaxing lunch. I like days like this. We talked and laughed and relaxed. And now Russell and I are home, waiting for 8 o'clock and the LSU-South Carolina football game.

A bit of anxiety invaded my space this evening. Nothing serious, I don't think. I'm not minding work right now even though I've had to work some make-up time recently. But I am striving not to let it overcome me. I'm basically content right now. Yesterday I talked to Hotch since I always call him on his birthday. The day before that I got back in touch with a friend from South Bend on her birthday. Talking to old friends, new friends, family, and being with Russell helps a lot.

And the beat goes on. . .

Do I Still Like Seasons?

We drove up to Riverdale, a small town where we go about once a week because they have a Walmart, a Target, Borders - places I enjoy visiting two or three times a month. The route is through small mountains which are covered with trees and I could tell a big difference in the colours on the trees between last Saturday and today. I saw other trees as I was driving up Route 208 that were bright orange; trees right next to others that were still green. I used to love autumn even though in Florida we didn't have much of a season change, of course. I loved the slight change, subtle but apparent if you knew what to look for. Here it's dramatic in comparison, and it will be more dramatic when the leaves start to fall and the trees I see across the street from my living room window will be barren within weeks.

Autumn means everything is dying? Or resting? Or changing in preparation for cold and snow and wind? I always thought I missed the seasons for the 40 years I lived in Florida. But now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I like any of the seasons. I know I don't like winter. Snow is beautiful as it falls but a mess within hours of it stopping. Cold air is not refreshing by any means. Spring should be wonderful, shouldn't it? And some of it is. I love the daffodils and the lilacs. I love seeing the leaves coming back onto the trees again. Summer has its richness but I get tired of hearing people around me complain about how hot it is.

So what do I like? Maybe I like subtle seasons better than what I'm experiencing here.

But those bright orange leaves are incredibly magical.

And life goes on. . .

Friday

Russell and I have a 3 day week-end ahead of us which gives both of us joy and relaxation. Monday is a holiday where he works. Not for me, but I took it off anyway, as I always do.

I had a nice birthday this week. Very relaxed and enjoyable. A couple minor disappointments but nothing that really matters. As years go by we have to adjust to that which is missing. We went out to eat and I chose where to go because it was next to a Borders. So after we ate we went there, of course, and I had a gift card from Chatty so I was able to get two CDs by EmmyLou Harris. But the funny thing is that I was looking at new books and found the new Ron Rash that I'd wanted. So I checked on my Kindle while in Borders and found out it was available and downloaded it right there in Borders. I love my Kindle. It's so amazing. It's not going to take the place of every book in the world, but that's okay.

Anxiety has taken a back seat. Maybe the medication is helping more and maybe my effort to walk more has added a positive side to it. I don't know. I know I am doing my best not to concentrate on how much I wish I weren't in NJ. I hope that continues to work until I can get the hell out of Dodge, as they say. :o)

And so my life is boring again (thank you, God) and I feel like me.