Still Wednesday

It's the end of the day - nearly 8:30 as I begin this. The anxiety has lessened and I don't mind feeling the little bit that I do at this time of day, but I wish I would wake up like this. Being at home with my darling Jersey guy is a very safe feeling for me. Maybe the fact that he's been getting up and going to work an hour earlier than I do this week has increased the anxiety. I like his new schedule because we normally get up at the same time and leave the house at the same time to head to our respective jobs.

I try to analyze everything that surrounds me. So strange to feel this way and so strange to live in the past so much. Well, not "live" per se, but think about so many things from the past. I've never done this before in my life. Is this part of growing old?

Well, at least the Marlins are winning tonight in the 5th inning. We'll see how it is in the 9th, though, huh?

Dangling

Hearing words like "New Jersey" and "New York" give me a punch in the gut. The anxiety continues this week, and has, in fact, gotten worse for no reason. I sleep well because of medication, I'm sure, but when I wake up the anxiety is there, punching me in the stomach, making me rock or shake my leg. I have no reason to get up but I get up anyway and get ready for work and then I get here and don't have any desire to stay nor do I have any desire to go home. There's nothing here or there.

I wonder what I need. I do Lamaze breathing as I drive into work - a short drive, fortunately. Although there are times when I wish I could keep driving although I don't know where I would go.

When I feel the way I feel now I wish I could sleep all the time until I feel "normal" again.

Maybe more later but that's all for now. . . 8:30 a.m.

Sunday Anxiety

How strange that anxiety seems to rear its ugly head quite often on Sundays. Makes no sense. I have nothing bothering me that I can figure out. Russell and I had a nice day off Friday, driving up to a very small town in NY state to visit my cousin who was there from Kansas visiting her son who was at work in Manhattan where he has another place to live. I've never met him but would enjoy that, I think. My cousin adopted him as a baby. He's a beautiful, young man. At first I thought he might be a model, but he simply works in advertising. The house we visited was incredible. Very relaxing place to be but he needs a pool. :o)

At any rate, we had a good trip. It was about an hour and a half to two hours to get there. On the way home we drove through Franklin where the Weis Grocery store is and we hadn't been there in a couple years so we decided to stop and see if they had anything we can't get at our regular market. And we did - found Russell's favorite flavored water and my favorite flavored cream cheese.

Yesterday, Saturday, we did laundry and went to Jose' Tejas and watched some t.v. and read and just spent a quiet day close to the house (other than Jose' Tejas). I know if I had a porch I'd be outside more than I am, but, well, I don't so I just need to get rid of that wish for now.

Today I woke up early feeling the anxiety again. But I'm functional. Got up and did our grocery shopping for real and then went to the mall to get Russell a pair of pants for my nephew's wedding. Bought a couple shirts for myself and then went back to Jose' Tejas and then came home and watched the Marlins lose to the Cubs. Haven't seen them play in quite awhile though so it was interesting to watch.

Russell is trying to grow cacti, btw. He bought another new one today - a small one. Any advice is more than welcome. :o)

Have a great week.

Summer in the North

It's summer in North New Jersey. A time that leaves me wanting for something - a pool, a beach, things I've mentioned here before. Not that there aren't pools and beaches (aka: the shore) in NJ, but not in my world. Too many people at the beach. The pools are not what I'm used to. The weather changes from week to week. So different from what I'm used to where the weather is pretty consistent from May through September with the exception of the occasional hurricanes. I used to dread those. Now I dread heavy rain which can cause flooding here.

Anxiety continues. It's worse in the morning when I first wake up. But I get up and do my routine and come to work where I'm always the first person in. As others start to arrive it gets better and better. I enjoy Nina. Linda is a hoot. We talk and laugh and work. I go home and am glad when my husband arrives. We do our evening routines and then it's back to bed only to wake up again with that anxiety crawling through my stomach. I do deep-breathing exercises when it arrives during the day. It helps somewhat. I need to learn more, I suppose. Never was a good student - just got good grades.

And life goes on. . .

Monday, Monday - part 2

I wish I knew what would help. I went out to lunch with L. and we had a nice time. One of the waitresses showed me a picture of her little boy, Isaiah, which was nice. I felt somewhat at ease, relaxed, while eating my lunch and talking. Came back to work and started getting things done and while I'm keeping busy I feel my stomach start to roil. Had a couple brain episodes today. Maybe three altogether. I forget sometimes.

Called and talked to Michael in Brick, NJ. Wanted to get their new address. I don't think he's going to like it here, but who knows. Sounds like they have a nice house. Who knows about that too.

I just have to "talk" sometimes - to write what I'm thinking even though I'm really not thinking about anything. Or maybe I'm thinking about too much but nothing definable. Go figure.

Monday Monday

At work: The anxiety is worse today and I had hoped it would be a little better. I think the threat I got in an email this morning from a former participant in one of my programs hasn't helped. Said he was going to call an attorney, implying I had given him permission to go ahead and sign a contract to teach. I don't think so. Maybe I'll have to be less helpful if this is the sort of thing I have to deal with.

I hate feeling this way. All I really want to do is go to bed and sleep. Read awhile and then fall asleep and stay there as long as I can. I'm tired this morning even though I got enough sleep last night. Just wish I could go home and take some Tylenol pm and just sleep and sleep. Escape.

Lots of phone calls to make this morning. I've finished some of them and still have others to deal with. The lawnman and a doctor for Russell.

And life goes on.

Anxiety for the Needy

What if I didn't feel anything. Not joy or sadness. Not pain or contentment. Not solitude or anxiety? Do we need anxiety? Is it something that makes us complete? There is anxiety in everyone's life, but it's at different levels.

Times I felt anxious in the past - when I learned about my first husband's relationship with the woman in California. When my son got into trouble. When I faced accusations at work. But there were reasons for that anxiety and so when the situation was resolved, the anxiety was gone. Now I don't have anything that I can identify that causes the anxiety. It's been longer this time - 4 weeks instead of 3. That's a good thing. I did take an extra pill today and that seemed to help.

I want my balance maintained in my life. It used to be and it's always been a priority for me. I will continue to pray that it gets better faster.