Friday

Russell and I have a 3 day week-end ahead of us which gives both of us joy and relaxation. Monday is a holiday where he works. Not for me, but I took it off anyway, as I always do.

I had a nice birthday this week. Very relaxed and enjoyable. A couple minor disappointments but nothing that really matters. As years go by we have to adjust to that which is missing. We went out to eat and I chose where to go because it was next to a Borders. So after we ate we went there, of course, and I had a gift card from Chatty so I was able to get two CDs by EmmyLou Harris. But the funny thing is that I was looking at new books and found the new Ron Rash that I'd wanted. So I checked on my Kindle while in Borders and found out it was available and downloaded it right there in Borders. I love my Kindle. It's so amazing. It's not going to take the place of every book in the world, but that's okay.

Anxiety has taken a back seat. Maybe the medication is helping more and maybe my effort to walk more has added a positive side to it. I don't know. I know I am doing my best not to concentrate on how much I wish I weren't in NJ. I hope that continues to work until I can get the hell out of Dodge, as they say. :o)

And so my life is boring again (thank you, God) and I feel like me.

Forgetting the Past

I think there was a movie not long ago about a man or a man and woman who did something to forget all their horrible memories. To start fresh again. Sometimes I think I need that. I don't want to forget everything, of course. But sometimes I remember such stupid things and wonder if that causes some of this anxiety that stabs me in the back with no warning.

Last night I dreamed that I was dating Jerry Seinfeld (on the show). Elaine and George were in my dream too. The only problem was that Jerry wouldn't say he loved me and he and Elaine and George made plans to do things and go places and left me out. Then I tried to call him on my cell phone and my cell phone was screwed up and I couldn't call him. Then Tim showed up to fix my cell phone but he never got around to it. He said my phone was set up to only work in Florida and I saw the names of two Florida cities - only one that I remember right now - Wellington. I've never lived there or even gone there unless I was driving through from Palm Beach to Belle Glade, I don't think.

Dreams are so out of space sometimes.

Well, I'm at work and the anxiety is strong today. I took the higher dose of what was prescribed for me yesterday and we'll see how long it takes that to work - or if it will work for me. I pray it will.

10:00 am, etc.

It continues. I don't know what to say. R had to work this morning so I've been alone, but he should be home soon with his son in tow.

I wish I had a group of friends here. I have some at work but I don't see them outside of work. But that's okay because I'd rather be with Russell than to spend time with them and not him.

Overcast today but no rain. Yet.

Anxiety Sucks

I hate it so much. Hate this feeling I have in my tummy that makes me feel as though something is going to happen or that something has happened. It's like when something scares you but nothing has scared me that I can think of.

I had such a great time in Cape May. We met JoAnn, an online friend I've been talking to for over 8 years. She picked us up at the Cape May-Lewes Ferry on the Lewes, Delaware side and we drove around Lewes seeing things I'd never seen before. It was so easy meeting her and talking to her. We went to lunch and walked around for awhile before heading back to the ferry. JoAnn and I have a lot in common and a lot not in common so it's a good balance in my opinion.

The next couple of days were very windy and it was difficult to be on the beach with the sand blowing against me but I got some sun and then sat on the porch where we were staying and read and got more sun there. It was nice. No anxiety at all. Until yesterday, the day we left. I woke up feeling anxious. It wasn't too bad but today it's been with me all day, even with my meds. This sucks. Big time. I have no self-control to do whatever it is I need to do to make things feel calmer.

Back to work on Monday. Nothing bad awaiting me, but I don't want to go. What do I want to do? Go to see my son? Go to Florida? Quit my job? Sleep a lot? I may go to bed early tonight since Russell has to - he's going into work early tomorrow and has to leave at 3 a.m. so he'll be in bed very early tonight and I may just go then and read. Makes me feel safer, I think.

Sigh. And life goes on.

Tuesday

Better today. Maybe because I only had to work 1/2 a day and got to spend the rest of the day with my darling husband. A cold front is moving through. It got here earlier than predicted with a lot of rain, lightning, and thunder. I hope it's nice tomorrow as they've promised.

I'll see how tomorrow is. A day at a time.

Ack!

The anxiety returns without warning. Last week was good. Had a lovely week-end. Maybe I get anxious after having a good time and then everything turning back to the old routine of work? I don't have a clue. Things at work are all right. Russell and I are great. Is it just living here? Is that all it is? Will it go away if, no WHEN, I get the hell out of this god forsaken place? I'll have to wait months and months to find out.

I love it when my friends send me encouragement. I print their comments or their emails and put them on my bulletin board. I read them and pull strength from them.

I'm glad when Russell gets home from work (now he gets home after I do so I have to wait for him). It feels safer when he's near.

I want each day to be normal, regular. Whatever you want to call it. I don't want to wake up and feel this roiling in my stomach and then have these brain farts that I didn't have for over a week when we went to Florida and last week after we got home. Then, after about 4 or 5 days I started having them again but not as strong.

I don't want to say "life sucks" because it doesn't. But these anxiety spells do. Big time. And I wish I could find something to fix them forever. Send me your prayers, your thoughts, your beautiful words if you have any to share with me. I love them and need them.

:o/

Summer Fading

September is here even though it still feels like August. But it's September and that's okay. This past week-end, Labor Day week-end, we were in Florida at the wedding of one of my many nephews. We flew into Tampa on Friday and then drove over to St. Pete for the rehearsal dinner which was at the same place where we had lunch after my mother's funeral when all the nephews were there. It was wonderful to see my brother again since I saw him so briefly at Patrick's wedding last April. The rehearsal dinner was festive and I had grouper (which I absolutely love and can't get up here) and my sister Susan and her husband were there, of course. It was great. My sister Dianne didn't come to the wedding since it was so close to the opening of school and she would've had to do so much traveling to get there. We missed her but totally understood.

Russell and I stayed in Bradenton with Susan and Charlie. The rental car had a flat tire Saturday morning so I had to deal with that and then get a different car. Fortunately we had enough time but let me tell you something - it was HOT HOT HOT. Florida is always hot and humid and I know this but it was particularly hot because Hurricane Gustav was heading north, going past us and sending some of that hurricane heat and humidity our way. My hair got so huge with curls. I'd forgotten how curly it got. I hope I never see a picture of myself on that day.

The wedding was Saturday at one o'clock in St. Pete. Ryne and Elyse looked very happy and content with their special day. A small reception in the fellowship hall at the church. This was held at the church where my father served from 1963 to 1968. I loved living in St. Petersburg and miss it even 40 years later. Strange, huh?

Went back to Susan's and went out to eat. Sunday was very breezy with gusts of wind up to about 4o mph as Gustav went by. Susan and I sat outside by her pool and got some sun and read and talked. It was a lovely morning even though the sun wasn't out all the time with the clouds being pushed past constantly. I swam but didn't go underwater since I was still nursing an earache (still am, as a matter of fact). I miss swimming. Miss my pool in Vero. I feel so content in the water.

I had very little, if any, anxiety while we were there. Being in Florida? Swimming? Being with family? I don't know. I just know that there were none of those brain farts and no feelings of wanting to hide away. Maybe I need to visit my sister more often and see the beauty I left behind when I came to NJ? Driving over the Sunshine Skyway and seeing the beautiful bay, the pelicans, the dozens of people fishing. It was a wonderful feeling to see all of that again. I miss it a lot.

Something to think about, I guess.

And the beat goes on. . .