More

More anxious and wishing I could go hide. But I'm still functional. Just don't want to do anything it seems. This same bloody thing happened a year ago at this same time. I'm planning to take off from work all next week for pleasure. We have a couple appointments - the surgeon for Russell to have his stitches taken out and the shrink for me. And I'm going to see if I can get some highlights added to just the front of my hair. So that's another appointment. And then, at the end of the week, we head to Florida. So I know I can do that and function well.

The medicine helps, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder how I would function without medicine. What if it were taken away or I stopped taking it by accident or because I wanted to see how I was without it. Well, let me tell you this - as I am now I will NOT stop the meds. I don't want to go into what I was before.

I had to work two hours extra today for make-up time. We have to make up 45 hours for the Fridays we have off during summer. We are assigned to someone to make up the time and today my assignment was to fold and staple flyers. Fun, huh? ::rolling my eyes:: So now I have 43 more hours to make up. Can you believe it?

And the beat goes on. . .

What ARE these?

I have been having those little attacks that take me to another place in my brain, leaving reality behind for a minute or less. They are so strange. I haven't had them like this for a long time but have been feeling a bit more anxious this week for some reason. Not sure why. There's no reason that I can figure out. Sigh. I read an article that said it might have something to do with "change of life" which I went through starting when I came to NJ. Menopause is not an overnight sort of thing so maybe that has something to do with these feelings as well as being in a place that doesn't seem to be the right place for me, as we all know.

When I have one of these attacks I can't talk about it. Sometimes Russell notices though. Interesting, huh? If they were consistent I'd probably worry more but since they come and go and don't get worse, I just deal with it and pray they will diminish soon. Maybe talking about them here will help.

Thanks for listening. . .and the beat goes on! :o)

Exhaustive Panic

Just about everyone I know could complain about Mondays. Most of us love our week-ends and love the way we feel when we can sleep until we wake up and then do what we want, for the most part. I know I do.

My week-end was good - busy but productive in its own way. Russell to the doctor on Friday; Greg on Saturday; Russell's niece's graduation/going away party on Sunday. And naps in between. I seem to like to nap these days more than ever before. I wonder if that's what causes panic sometimes - that I want to sleep and can't because I'm at work or driving or otherwise involved. Who knows!

The niece's party was interesting and weird but I had a good time. Russell's cousins who I've never met because they live near the shore were there and I felt right at home with them. Debbie and her husband Walt, Marcie, and Ricky. Also, Debbie and Walt's three children were there. It was interesting talking to them and being able to discuss Spencer, my late father-in-law who was a woman-hater. Debbie confirmed my suspicions that when Russell's mother died (he was 10 when this happened) that it changed Spencer because he didn't have a woman in his life who he respected or truly loved.

Anyway, I started feeling twinges of panic while we were at the party and then again this morning but I'm surviving. Feeling panic is tiring, I think. It makes you want to sleep so you can escape the panic as well feel refreshed. Since I'm at work, I can't do that.

Eleven days until we go to Florida for the nephew's wedding. Twelve days until LSU's first football game.

And the beat goes on. . .

Pay Day

I love pay days. Even though I know the money is coming in (and going out), I love seeing that amount added to my checking account (direct deposit, you know) and writing it into my register and adding it to my previous balance. It's rather comforting.

When I get paid I think about what I can buy or do. I think about how much I can save for our trips that are coming up the end of August and another the end of September. It's a nice feeling to know I don't have to use all of the money to pay bills. Most of it, but not all of it like I did when I was younger.

Money is a good feeling if you have enough. It's a bad feeling if you need more and can't do or get what you want. I know there are ways we could spend less. We could eat out less often. I could buy fewer books and get them at the library instead. Maybe, in time, I will do that. But for now, I'm going to relax and enjoy a little extra and save a little extra too.

And the beat goes on. . .

Yank

No, I'm not a "Yank" because I've been in New Jersey for 6 years, 4 months, and 3 days. And I'm definitely not a Yankee fan (think "baseball") even though I do love their new catcher, Pudge Rodriguez.

The title, "Yank," is because yesterday I had a back molar yanked out of my mouth and today I'm surviving nicely. It was one that was giving me some pain from time to time and one that we had already decided to remove so when I went yesterday to make sure I didn't have an infection my darling dentist (yes, darling was right) said, "We were going to pull it anyway. Do you want to do it today?" I thought about it for a moment and then said, "Let me go to the bathroom first."

Dr. Jonathan is a hoot. He's six months older than my son and is already very experienced in dentistry. It's a "spa," not an "office" and it smells lovely. No dental smells at all. The lobby has free coffee, juice, and bottled water, not to mention packages of cracker and cookies if you're going to be waiting for awhile. He wears a yamulke (how is that spelled?) and has a picture of his son on the monitors which are next to the chairs. You can also watch a soap opera or a talk show on that monitor. Quite cool, in theory.

I'm at work today. Taking everyone's comfort and sympathy but in reality I feel pretty damn good. Time for an Advil. . .

A Hint of Autumn

The high today was only around 70 degrees. Unheard of for August when I lived in Florida. I've had the a/c off and windows open at home for three days now. My hair is a bit lively, full of curls and little style, but I don't mind. It's different. I think having fresh air moving through the windows also gives me comfort of some sort. Is that possible? I hate hot air, but this air is agreeable for now. It sort of reminds me of a Florida fall day. I think too much about Florida, don't I? It's okay. Tell me. I can take it!

:o)

Being an American

Living in New Jersey reminds me quite often that I'm an American whose family rarely talked about their heritage. We weren't from Scotland or Holland. We were from Indiana. We weren't ethnic. We were Methodists. We didn't visit family in Germany or England. We went to Florida to see our family. When I meet people up here who are first or second generation Americans I wonder how long it will be before they don't have family in Puerto Rico or Syria or Mexico who they visit on a regular basis. I wonder how long until they say they're from New Jersey instead of from D.R.

Today we went to Chuck E. Cheese's for a birthday party for a little girl whose mother I work with. We get along well and have a great time together at work. We were the only ones there who weren't ethnically or racially different. We're white. Period. It was interesting though and I didn't mind or feel odd. We had a good time (but I hope I don't have to go back to Chuck E. Cheese's again anytime soon since it's so loud!).

And the beat goes on. . .