A Windy Fall Saturday

Very windy and rainy this afternoon. The leaves are flying through the air and sometimes I think they're birds passing by our front window. I'm feeling a bit more like me. The medicine seems to be doing its job and I pray it continues. I can't stand the anxious feelings I've been having and when I have them to the degree I had them this week and four weeks ago it makes me want run away from NJ. But I want to take my dear sweet husband with me.

Sometimes I think maybe we can go after we sell Spence's house. Or maybe we can go a year earlier - a compromise. To go there and still work is fine with me but everyone knows that getting a job now is not going to be as easy as it was when I came up here. Still, it's something to think about.

We had Greg today but then he had to go home early to work on a project with another kid so we had him home at 2 o'clock and have been watching college football since. A nice quiet afternoon. We did convince him to get his hair cut when we went to the mall today though. A major improvement. It was even clean!

Trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow. Movie? Mall? Jose' Tejas? We had Sbarro's today since we were at the mall and that was a pleasant change even though Italian is not my favorite. But we did okay.

Rambling - more like who I am. :o)

and life goes on. . .

Wednesday morning

the same today. Why?

Tears

I cried today. While I was talking to my boss on the phone when I called her to tell her I'm going to stay home tomorrow and go to the doctor but I will be at the open house for my major program tomorrow evening.

I haven't cried in a long time. Maybe it will help.

I talked to Susan today and Caroline. I don't know how to spell Caroline's name tonight. Is it Carolyn or Caroline? I hate it when that happens. I think I'm just tired. Anyway, they both were helpful.

I talked to some people in my chatroom too. I've gotten to know some of them and only about three or four of us were there and they were very helpful and listened well. Especially WildCIA who has experienced this too. As have Caroline and Susan.

Russell and I have a 3rd anniversary on Thursday. Three years. He wants to go out to Outback. If we do I think I'll only eat a salad and a baked potato.

That's all I have to say for now. I hope and pray I'm better tomorrow.

Mysterious

Anxiety attacks are mysterious to me. I've had a beautiful week-end and then, yesterday afternoon, I started to feel a little bit uneasy. And this morning was hell. There was no reason for it at all. I take my meds and feel a little better but not wonderful. Not "normal."

This afternoon at work after I took my meds I sat at my computer and dozed. It felt good to be able to close my eyes and not be interrupted by the telephone. I'd open my eyes now and then and see if any mail had arrived on my work email and respond to it if it had. But I think I only got one thing for the last hour and a half.

I'm home now, but I have to give a survey up at Wanaque later on. Russell is going with me for which I am thankful.

But back to the anxiety. It seeps out of me and takes control of my life. I want it go away, to disappear forever, but it doesn't. It just stays with me. I have brain farts and have memories from the past invade my life. Not bad memories just old ones. Nothing significant either. Something from when I was fourteen, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-eight, thirty-five, and so on. Memories of driving down streets in Vero on my way to and from work at the prison. Memories of feelings that I had when I was with my first husband. Memories of times with Patrick.

So tiring. I want it to go away so much. So very much.

Money

I wonder what will happen when I don't have any money to do with what I want. If I just have enough to pay my bills and buy what I need, not what I want or think I want. I know there are times when I could just bypass buying things. Oh, well. In time, in time.

And so it's another beautiful day here. Another Jose' Tejas lunch. Now we're home, doing nothing, doing something. Anxiety lingers nearby but I'm doing my best to keep it far away. Back to work tomorrow. Nothing special going on at work except tomorrow evening. But I'll survive.

I swear I will. I pray I will.

An Autumn Saturday

Today was probably the most beautiful autumn day we'll see. The leaves seem to be at their peak and it was only in the 50s today with a beautiful bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine. The breeze was light but still brought some leaves drift down from trees and blow across where we were walking.

Russell and I went to an Arts and Crafts show in Montclair. We met Nina and her daughter there and had a lovely morning walking through, looking at things and even buying a few Christmas presents. I bought some things for Kristin and bought myself yet another bowl from a potter we see often and enjoy visiting with. Nina bought herself a hat which looked wonderful on her. Not the kind of hat I could wear but I definitely admired it on her.

We met Linda and her two kids at Jose' Tejas after the Art show. Had a nice, relaxing lunch. I like days like this. We talked and laughed and relaxed. And now Russell and I are home, waiting for 8 o'clock and the LSU-South Carolina football game.

A bit of anxiety invaded my space this evening. Nothing serious, I don't think. I'm not minding work right now even though I've had to work some make-up time recently. But I am striving not to let it overcome me. I'm basically content right now. Yesterday I talked to Hotch since I always call him on his birthday. The day before that I got back in touch with a friend from South Bend on her birthday. Talking to old friends, new friends, family, and being with Russell helps a lot.

And the beat goes on. . .

Do I Still Like Seasons?

We drove up to Riverdale, a small town where we go about once a week because they have a Walmart, a Target, Borders - places I enjoy visiting two or three times a month. The route is through small mountains which are covered with trees and I could tell a big difference in the colours on the trees between last Saturday and today. I saw other trees as I was driving up Route 208 that were bright orange; trees right next to others that were still green. I used to love autumn even though in Florida we didn't have much of a season change, of course. I loved the slight change, subtle but apparent if you knew what to look for. Here it's dramatic in comparison, and it will be more dramatic when the leaves start to fall and the trees I see across the street from my living room window will be barren within weeks.

Autumn means everything is dying? Or resting? Or changing in preparation for cold and snow and wind? I always thought I missed the seasons for the 40 years I lived in Florida. But now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I like any of the seasons. I know I don't like winter. Snow is beautiful as it falls but a mess within hours of it stopping. Cold air is not refreshing by any means. Spring should be wonderful, shouldn't it? And some of it is. I love the daffodils and the lilacs. I love seeing the leaves coming back onto the trees again. Summer has its richness but I get tired of hearing people around me complain about how hot it is.

So what do I like? Maybe I like subtle seasons better than what I'm experiencing here.

But those bright orange leaves are incredibly magical.

And life goes on. . .