Every Three Weeks

The anxiety returned on Thursday after I had one of those strange brain episodes. Is there a connection? There must be, but what is it? I've been to two different doctors about this and they don't think it's anything except stress. What stress? Living here? Not living in the south? Not living near Patrick? Will I have to deal with this for another three years? Longer?

Questions without answers.

I want to feel content. I want to feel sheltered and loved (I do and am) by more people. I want real friends but I would rather spend time with Russell than with other people. If we had couple friends it would work, but we don't so we do everything together which is fine with me but without anyone else.

I'm so glad Patrick and Kristin are coming for Christmas this year. I was shocked when he told me. I didn't think they'd want to spend their first married Christmas away from home, but it's not really their home - just where they live like where I live too. Still, they will make Christmas so much more special. I'm so lucky. Thanksgiving will just be Russell and me and that's kind of nice too. We can make it quiet and low-keyed.

But, even after saying all of this, the anxiety remains. I know it will go away. It goes away for awhile and then returns. It just isn't fair. Dear Lord, please give me strength.

Monday Monday

Not great today. Worked until 11 a.m. and then went to the new doctor who was okay. I didn't get anything for my cough since it's getting better.

Came home and didn't do much. Took a nap. Anxiety continues. Will it ever end?

Sunday Woes, Part II

Slept another two hours and woke up feeling a bit better. R is still asleep and I'll let him sleep as long as he likes since he worked yesterday. Patrick & Kristin are leaving on their cruise today. I hope they have a wonderful time. I'm sure they will.

I think back to years ago when I wasn't always happy but didn't go through these spells for no reason. At least I had a reason for being sad when I was down back then. Now I feel the anxiety and I don't know why. Nothing has caused it except being here? I don't know. I am so afraid I'm going to go through this again this week when I have to GED test. I want to be able to test. In March I couldn't do the testing because of the anxiety. Praying.

Sunday Woes

Sundays are my worst day, by far. Because I have to go to work the next day? I guess so even though work is not the reason for my downs. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and got up to take my pills. But it didn't work. The anxiety returned and I have been in bed rocking and praying since then. I just got up again and took another one of my pills to see if that would settle me. We'll see. It's back to bed to sleep some more (I hope and pray) and see if I can be myself when I wake up again.

Please, dear God. Help me.

Yo-Yo

Up and down. Up and down. These moods are not stabilizing and I am growing to hate it more and more. Taking my meds more often and it helps for a little while and then the help dissipates and I feel the oddness returning, first through my stomach and then into my nervous system. But I don't say anything about it. I just do my best to be who I am.

I keep getting the weirdest remembrances of things that I've done before, places I've been before. It's so weird. Mirror Lake in St. Petersburg. Different streets and highways where I've been before in years past. So strange.

It is beautiful today - at least for now. Sunny but a bit cool. We had breakfast out as we usually do on the week-end. Russell worked this morning for a few hours so when we came home he took a nap.

I need to dust but I have no desire to do anything other than the laundry and even that is an effort but I'm a bit obsessed with the laundry - always have been, I guess. Also need to empty the dishwasher which won't take long, but I have no desire to do anything.

I wonder if I lived in VB if I would feel this way now. I don't want to go back, understand. It's just something I wonder. I had good years there but there were bad ones too. But I had many years with my son there and that matters the most. I miss him so and thought I'd gotten through the wedding and was adjusting to everything. Apparently not. Apparently I have a lot of unresolved issues in my life that I can't even identify.

Up and down. Up and down. My life and feelings go on and on. Asking for help. Please.

Rain outside and in

I've been home from work for three days but not because I've been down but because I've been coughing. However, the feeling of depression and anxiety has been close on the heels of the coughing and I don't know why. Nothing comforts me right now. Except, perhaps, sleep. I just wish this emotional crap would disappear from my life. I wish I could disappear from my life. Go some place else, be with other people. And Russell. I don't want him to disappear - I just want to be with him some place else. I think. I hope.

Anxiety is the main problem in my world, and I don't know why. It has become more intense in the last few days. Maybe work is better for me.

Monday I will be seeing a new regular doctor. I'd hoped to go yesterday or today but she didn't have any openings so I'll go Monday after spending a few hours at work and establish a relationship with her. I've been told I'll love her. That would be nice. I've just had enough of Dr. Nitti who doesn't seem to take anything seriously enough to deal with it or something. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things. Thinking back to three weeks ago when we were in Georgia, preparing for Patrick & Kristin's wedding, being with people I knew and didn't know; being with old friends, family. I miss Patrick quite often. They leave on their honeymoon in 2 days. I hope they have a wonderful time.

I'm ready for a change in my life, but I don't know what it is. Time will tell. Dear God, please help me find strength and joy and peace in my life. I beg of you.

Anxiety

It's still here, creeping up on me after I've taken my medicine, when nothing particularly unusual has happened. Am I going to have to live with this the rest of my life? I don't know how I'll manage. There are times when I think I know what needs to change in my life in order for the anxiety to diminish but it's almost impossible to describe. I think about my past, the problems I had but didn't create these feelings then. Was I more at peace with my life overall? With where we lived? Who my friends were? With what I did? I don't believe this. There is one good thing that is missing from my world now that I had then, but he's not gone - just grown up and doing his own thing. The wedding this past week-end was absolutely great and I'm so glad for both of them. They are lucky people to have each other.

I have three more days off from work and then it's back to the routine which shouldn't be a problem but seems to create stress for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't have anyone there who I'm truly close to - a few people I enjoy, but it's not the same.

Whine, whine, whine. I'm going to start taking the red pill more often - 1/2 at a time. I hope it helps.