A Poem - 2-22-2000

So many days have passed since I saw you last,

driving away from me,

the sun so bright and

the wind so cold against my face.

I felt the sting of tears;

pulled back the sobs I knew would come later;

still able to feel where your arms had held me

just moments before.

I watched you disappear from me--

Perhaps forever.

Each day without you has a certain quality to it.

A new emotion one day.

A new understanding on another.

A sliver of hope, a promise of something good.

And some days

only a new set of tears.

jhb

For every season

This has been the most incredibly beautiful fall I've ever lived through - at least that I can remember. The colours of the leaves are so intense and the past few days the leaves have been falling from the trees like snow falling from the sky. Today it's finally sunny and even though the overcast skies and rain will return by the end of the week, I am totally enjoying the weather today. It's a "Sun"day from A to Z.

I sent out one of those Friends questionaires that you get every now and then from someone. I got three back and one of them was from my friend Judy who I got back in touch with on her birthday last month. It was quite touching and very interesting to learn a little more about her. It's been 45 years since we've seen each other or spoken so it's a little awkward, I imagine, for her, but she seems pleased that I got back in touch with her. I hope we can see each other again. It was great reading her answers and seeing things that we had in common. :o)

Did some Christmas shopping this week-end and made some progress. I must sort through the things I have and determine if I have enough for Kristin. It's been quite fun buying things for hr this year.

Russell got up early but went back to bed and slept another hour. He's up again but not dressed yet. Don't know what we're going to do today but I'd like to do SOMETHING. Even if it's our old place - Jose' Tejas.

The anxiety medicine that I've been taking has helped tremendously. I am so pleased and pray it will continue to help me. It's almost a miracle.

And so, the beat goes on. :o)

Halloween Boo!

Work has been very slow this week. I got everything done that needed to be done but by Thursday I didn't have anything new to do. Maybe 30 minutes of real work each day. So I took in my crocheting and am finishing up a really pretty scarf.

My boss talked to be today about grey stamps. How people secretly collect negative things that others do to them without addressing the issue at the time and then, when they're in public, they strike back at the person about those issues. I think I have a tendency to do that with some people. I guess we all do. It was interesting.

A quiet weekend. Just the two of us. LSU tomorrow. FSU too. Laundry and reading and relaxing. Works well for me.

Anxiety is still in abeyance. :o) :o) Did I use that word right? JoAnn, let me know. Thanks!

Monday, Monday

And so I woke up and felt fine. No roiling. No fear. No "oh, no!" feelings. And it's Monday. I'm pleased. Happy even. Part of having anxiety is getting anxious thinking you might have an attack. I don't have panic attacks. Panic attacks are probably more dramatic but last much less time - maybe 10 or 15 minutes. Not that it's "okay" since it's shorter, but what I have stays with me all day long until late in the day, right before bedtime. Then it starts again when I get up in the morning. Not as dramatic but just as upsetting, I'm sure.

I dreamed about odd things last night. Funny how you can remember a dream and then 30 seconds later it's faded away to almost nothing.

Sunday Evening

Are Sundays when anxiety begins? I was so good this week-end compared to what I'd been and then after we got home from doing a few things I started to feel the anxiety in my belly again and don't really know what to do. I've taken my meds religiously, and I've been positive and felt loved and loved in return to the people who I've seen. But now I'm thinking it's going to return in the morning and I don't know if I can stand it. I've even been eating normally this week-end. Not as much, maybe, but eating without forcing myself.

What the fuck is this? Why does it come on Sundays? Because I'm going back to work tomorrow? Is it Paterson? Is it the college? Is it the people I work with? This week is a regular type of week. No make-up time, no testing, no presentations. Just routine stuff in the office.

Weather is nice today too. I was on the loveseat and lying in the sun that came in through the window and it felt lovely. I was hoping that would make me feel more relaxed. Maybe it did. I want to be ME. Just me.

I have no idea why there's a picture of a cat with dynamite on it. I am trying to learn how to use a blog better and can't get rid of that. Sorry.

A Windy Fall Saturday

Very windy and rainy this afternoon. The leaves are flying through the air and sometimes I think they're birds passing by our front window. I'm feeling a bit more like me. The medicine seems to be doing its job and I pray it continues. I can't stand the anxious feelings I've been having and when I have them to the degree I had them this week and four weeks ago it makes me want run away from NJ. But I want to take my dear sweet husband with me.

Sometimes I think maybe we can go after we sell Spence's house. Or maybe we can go a year earlier - a compromise. To go there and still work is fine with me but everyone knows that getting a job now is not going to be as easy as it was when I came up here. Still, it's something to think about.

We had Greg today but then he had to go home early to work on a project with another kid so we had him home at 2 o'clock and have been watching college football since. A nice quiet afternoon. We did convince him to get his hair cut when we went to the mall today though. A major improvement. It was even clean!

Trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow. Movie? Mall? Jose' Tejas? We had Sbarro's today since we were at the mall and that was a pleasant change even though Italian is not my favorite. But we did okay.

Rambling - more like who I am. :o)

and life goes on. . .

Wednesday morning

the same today. Why?