St. Patrick's Day

Back to work and did well. Sharon picked me up which was a nice feeling. tomorrow I will try to drive for the first time in a week. I hope my car starts.

Just two more days this week and then we're off Thursday & Friday. Next week I just work two days and then leave to go to see Patrick & Kristin. :o) That makes me very happy.

Russell made his own dinner and started to make his own lunch but I came in and helped him. I like working with him together in the kitchen. He understands that too. I love him.

No panic attacks today. I pray every day will continue to get better and better and better.

Another Sunday

I keep the blinds closed so I don't see much outside. When we did our grocery shoppng and went to breakfast there was a little rain spitting but it didn't make us wet. Russell and I did some laundry and will finish up later. I did the checks. Routine things but that's good.

I took my medication this morning at about 6:15. I took an extra 1/2 xanax and I think that helped me get through the morning without the roiling of my stomach and the anxiety starting to rise. I hope so.

Tomorrow is Monday. I wish I didn't have to work any more, but I do. What I'd like - I'd like to move to Atlanta and work with my family, with Kristin if she ever opens a shop of some kind. I would like having that type of flexibility in my life.

I think I will less compliant at work. I will just do my job. Do I tell my boss this beforehand or just let her figure it out herself? No additional jobs or assignments - just let me do my two big things and leave me alone. I think I'll wear blu ejeans more often when I feel like it and not wear makeup. I wonder if I could do that. It's so much easier. I just want to be natural right now. Strange what life brings your way.

I pray tomorrow is a little bit better and then the next and the next. Please, God.

Thank God for my sisters and my husband. They are everything to me.

The Ides of March

It's 7:10 am. I woke up at 5:30 and took my medications. Slept a little bit longer after that but then woke up with the anxiety even though I'd taken all the medication I should have. Russell got up a litttle while ago to go online and check his LSU stuff, I imagine, so I finally decided to get up too. I am dreading today with Greg. Not becasue of him but just because there are things we normally do and will try to do today and I just don't want to do them but at the same time I do. It's cool and rainy today. No t a good thing but whatever.

Had an episode when I got up at 5:30. One of those brain things. They seem to be shorter. I want to be me again. Please, God, let me be me again. Let me be what is normal for me. I pray.

Friday

I got up earlier today and mayhbe took more medicine but not too much. I'm learning how the medicine works and waht I should take for what I'm feeling. I took a shower at 11:00 so that's an improvement over yesterday. I take it an hour at a time.

Last night I felt like me so I kno it's ossible. mornings are the worst thougha nd being alone in themorning is very hard.

down the hill

I am a mess. I hpe the medicines they are giving me wil help. I try to hae faith. I am so glad I have my sister who has experienced this too. It helps me. I can't imagine feeling this forever but it doesn't feell as though it's ever going to go away. I made myelf get out of bed and eat a half a doughnut because I haven't been eating either. Hey - that's the good side of this, I'm losing weight. I'm drinking water. I'm going to try to stay up until Russell gets home and then take a shower for the first time in two days but I need him to be home when I do taht for some reason.

I want to be okay by the time I'm goin to Atlanta, two weeks from today. I want to go but not feeling like this.

Please, God, help me. Bring me strength so I can get through this. I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can I know I can.

Sunny Sunday (but cold)

Sundays used to have a special charm to them. Now, they don't as much. But I'll get over that someday. Yesterday was a miserable day - rainy, windy, depressing. I hated it all day. We had our taxes done (not good news but, well, it is what it is) and then went for some lunch at our usual place and then came home. I fell asleep and still felt miserable when I woke up. Took a pill and began to feel better.

Anxiety when I woke up this morning early (even earlier than I imagined since we changed time last night) but I just forced myself back to sleep until seven o'clock. And now I'm better. Grocery shopping is done, breakfast is eaten, and now we'll decide what to do with the next few hours before we come home and settle in for the rest of the day. Since Russell has to go to bed so early to get up early on Monday, our Sundays are cut short.

Whine whine whine. I just want to feel good. To feel content. To feel happy. I just want to feel like me. I wonder if I'm still inside of myself. Time will tell.

What is normal?

I live on a street that isn't a "busy" street. But it is used frequently by cars and trucks and people walking to and from a bus stop. It's not a city street either. But it's a little noisy, just not constant noise. It's in a small town and what's interesting about it is that if you go to the top of this street you're in a different town and if you go to the bottom of this street you come to two different towns and none of those are the town where I live.

Everyone who knows me knows I don't like where I live. I do my best but there are days when living here is just too foreign, too much of a challenge. There's nothing charming or unique about where I live. It's just a town. I complain about it a lot. Forgive me.

I think I'm having a serious S.A.D. attack right now. After snow last Friday, it's gotten worse. I dream of green leaves instead of naked trees that look like sticks in the distance. I dream of walking through a beachside park wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sandals, feeling the warm, salty wind against my face, making my hair curly instead of having to put on socks and boots and laters of clothes and having hair so straight it doesn't even appear to be the same hair I've had all my life.

Nothing inspires me anymore. I remember when I had inspirational thoughts, experiences, adventures, friendships. No more.

I've made choices. We all do. Sometimes those choices work out for us and sometimes they take time to adjust to. I've had enough time and still haven't adjusted but at least I'm with the man I love; the man who loves me. At least I see an end - a few years away, but still, an end. Please, God.